lonely in a world full of people

i cry very night
i pray every prayer
i ask and tear oh dear god why
things are suppose to be good
but things are just too blue
it feels like a girl locked in a cage
cage of dreams
reality has lived the dream
but results were not foreseen
this pain is just too hard
why cant this girl be gone
nothing is left but a virtual world
giving me hope while its already blown
where is that light that i seek within
where is the sun that shines in me
people come and go
they laugh dance and blast all night
while she sit in her room tear pray and care
why is lonely that only feeling she has tonight
why is the night so long wihtout
why is happiness so hard to find
was happiness there when dreams died
what is a dream without bless and joy
what is a life without comfort and secure
it still feels lonely all through the world is round me


Mahar - 28 Oct 2010

Its a fight within

Weirdly, i am for the first time struggeling from inside, wanting so bad to do what i know am suppose to do and what i would normally do, but it always results for a quick good result and then back again to the same scenario! this time it has been 3 weeks and i am holding my self... shuold i react, should i make a step, should i commit my decision??
too many questions in my head! i know everything around me, i know whats going on and i know why am i like this and i know how can i get rid of it and move on! my only struggle is that it involvs family! i dont want to do the same thing that happened before again! it just going to be disapointing to my family but not me of course! i've already prepared my recovery plan!

wow, i spend my days preparing my recovery plan to anything around me which make me think why is the world always disapointing me! is it me? am i the problem? i dont think this way!

its that conflicting now, can i go back to numbing the way i feel? its just there are too much emotions that even numbing has no space anymore for my feelings!

everything is just too sesitive now! and i am losing the believe! the believe in me! that am a good better person who was born a fighter! strongly to say NO strong enough to make things black and white! strong enough to know when enough is enough!

everything feels meaningless, tasteless.. i cant feel food, work, family, friends nor anything!

is there anyone watching over me? it feels like this world has left me to go insane!
where is my guardian angel where are all my virtual friends? where is everyone?

how can i be back from this black hole that i ve sank in?

it feels like i am in a battle! a battle with my self

Numbing some feelings

lately i know things, i see things i feel things, is it right that someone say they love you and hurt you in the same time to satisfy another person he has feelings for and other person is in pain becasue you and this persion are in love!
fuck!
now thats drama!
well am holding my self from been the useual me! which is basically raising my finger and saying bugger off!
can anything be more complicate now! i feel locked in a person i don know just for the fear of losing this other person! but does this person care for me at all for all this drama!

i am so tired of this dilemma that i am numbing the way i feel curently! well the problem is, since i numb my anger. my love and care is getting numb too which is basically leading to carelesness which obviously will lead to no feelings at all! but why put up with all of this?

It seems i will raise the finger and leave the fuck away from this series!

oh well tough!

Eid - just another word ....

Sadly...
Eid the happy occasion we celebrate in the Muslim world has become a word without a feeling recently. Just another holiday in the yearly calender. This feeling is not something i only share in my heart- yet it comes from the accumulation of so many conversations i had with many different people. The joy of reuniting with the people you love and your family is just too weird now! people dress up and sit down to preform the following as always:-
1- Cooking the famous "Ursiya" which contains rice, and squashed meat or chicken! and eating it till you get a stomach ache :S
2- Slughttring a poor cow or goat and eating him for the coming two days in so many different ways!
3-Shiwa - the famous Omani meat berried in the ground!

Well its pretty obvious that Eid includes lots of eating which can be a very awful habit (sort of) and that eating has been the main focus on Eid along dressing up and spending a fortune on cloths! which basically is encouraging people to be super superficial! i wished if Eid was encouraging people to give out more or to try and get closer to their families by hearing their problems or bonding more with them instead of the common thought we all have currently which is bragging about looks and cloths!
In the world i live in i feel that superficiality and looks are mostly common here though i do love to look good and spend some money on clothing and salonning my self yet i never brag! i do it for ME and not for the people! i am not so perfect i do have my own sick jumps sometimes thanks to the society i live in and influence i get from!
Eid is not Eid any more! it became silly and meaningless with the people around me! things are just so shallow to be joyful now!
its just my opinion...

Qoute of the day

A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

Dave Meurer

"My September"

Ive always had a great relationship with September, its my spring September where everything is colourful and great! it starts with the day i was born 3rd of Sep (yet dad still insist that its the 5th!) - every year its a great time to me, very special though nothing happens and i celebrate it alone with some really close friends. This year "My September" was different. For the first time in my life September fail me so bad but i think because it was trying to warm me about something since years.
it began with a surprisingly weird feeling, it was not joyful and not sad but it was dark and heavy to my heart. yet the thing i was waiting for happened! and i was crying because i thought my feelings this year were deceiving me and that though this dark feeling still September didn't fail me and it gave me the best present on my day...
still my birthday was a bit weird, didnt feel that i have reached 25 years in my life and i am where i am today while i know for a fact that i could have dont more but i ve missed 5 years waiting for this thing to happen while already did!
it is weird how scared i was from it but then i unleashed my happiness and felt it to the ultimate and was dreaming of "My great September" the dark feeling was fading away yet i can sense it... one day later the darkness pealed my happiness from my life and something i prepared my self for since 5 years was lost in a moment of leashed happiness.
today i pick my self pieces after a day from the darkness attack, i will not lose what i have built to my self and i will not lose who i was before as in the happiness camouflage i forgot the person inside me and got lost between superficiality.
i can easily say that "My September" was the worse September i have ever lived in 25 years :-)

its like music in my eyes

with everything that have happened, with all of the pain and sadness i sence around me from the un ending prison, a cage that i am locked in where i still struggel in searching for my selvation, searching for a way to change the way i see the world at this point...

everything seems calm, the wind blowing into the trees and the universe running around in a circle that i can see in slow motion... why do sadness exist in this beautiful calm world... why do i still feel locked in this cage while the world is huge enough to make me free...

days are passing and still i laugh smile yell scream cry live my life carrying this big thing inside my heart... if only... If only....

i smile a fake laughter that i show the whole world, a bubly girl who's always pink and white full of colours, i show love i give as much as i can but still i go back every night and i cry hoping that this pain would go... this fear will just leave me alone ....

sadness has become like music in my eyes that i can only hear in my ears and no one can see other them me....

i dont know if am been dramatic about everything in this world, but still i feel locked in a cage of this bubly pink happy girl which carries alot of sadnss inside that no one can see or feel...

i just need to find my happy path that i never found... things are not as simple as i see them and the world is not so crule as i see it, its not the world's fault for everything that have happened...

its the people aorund me the souls i believed that can protect me...

this music will not stop inside my eyes untill i find my freedom away from my locked sadness...

Good bye lemony :-(

A week ago i was forced to let go of someone precious to me :( my dear Lemony Snikits...

i will miss you Lemon and i know we only had two years together, but it was a sweet time to me that i have had you with me at home... i will never forget you and the times we spent together...

and i will never forget the time you delievered in total 14 kids (3 deliveries) ...

I hope the new home i found you will be comfortable to you as it was for us back home...

:"(

a stranger in a world i dont belong in

two years ago i''ve experienced one of the most self torturing punishment for been who i was...
recently i was able to find my self, my soul my person... and again the most crusial things happened to me because i still dont belong.
i know for a fact now that no matter how comfotable i am where i am today, a day will come and i will be at point zero again...
i always felt that i belong somewhere not here, but i pushed my self for the people i love, for the people around me...
only one thing kept me going, a person...
a person i thought can be the solution for everything, or can really keep me comfortable for as long as i live...
i relise now that its a mistake from me to think that, i relise now that i should have had faith in me and searched for what makes me strong and not lean on someone for that...
i fell so many times, and each time i woke up from the fall strong.
this fall was hard on me, and it was harder because my person bail on me and wasnt there for me, actually no one was there to be with me on this fall...
yet again its not a surprise that i wake up from my fall alone and strong again.
i almost got crushed, i almost fell without standing on my legs again.. i almost fade away...
i walk in roads, har people, meet everyone and i know these are not the faces or the places i belong too, i have to find my happiness and its not here, and not in this time..
i walk like a stranger in a world i dont belong too...

Lost inside

Reality...........

a truth that i refused to see 5 years and i refused to see untill today, i woke up just knowing that today is the day i see reality...
i waked from my house door, my eye was twitching, my right eye... in Omani standards that means something bad, though i never believed in that but i felt its real inside me...
i saw what i was refusing to see, i finally made that decesion that i was waiting for so long... i know its right and i know it should have happened long ago. i crushed my dreams. i killed my heart. i broke my own heart, i took it out and stepped on it and through it away where no one will ever find it. the hard decision is been made and lonely and alone is what i choose to be.. because reality is not the dream i lived in. reality is here where am sitting today at this time, writing in this place feeling this horrible horrible agony that i kept been blind for so long and i believed a dream, a beautiful dream,, a lie, a beautiful lie...
broken inside, no place to go, open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why, you've been rejected and you cant find what you left behind, i need to be strong, too many problems and i dont know where i belong. am back where i was 4 years back... my feelings that i hide, my dreams that cant find, am loosing my mind, falling behind, falling my grace i feel all over the place shreded in peaces, no place to go, no place to go... i see rounds of people but i am not here, no around any more. physical and psycho pain in my heart that i try to hide behind a big smile, a big fake smile that everything is ok and things are normal. Be strong and keep your face thats the only idea rolling in my mind, yet i cant fake any more i need home, i need home, home is not safe any more, home is no where any more, home is lost for good......

dear blog

sometimes........
i run away and don't write it and just choose to forget whatever the matter is, however i adored the idea of holding on to a personal journal every day and start with dear diary and just let it lye there with whatever feeling i had on that day, yet the thought of having my best friend (my diaries) is not an option any more since it was exposed a year ago... i live where no one can understand what is a book and a pen to one human being and thats who i am, someone who treasure that journal like a best friend, which leaves me my dear blog yet i am sorry dear blog no one can take my best friend away from my heart because he had kept me high when ever i needed him and he was always there for me whenever i needed him and at anytime. i miss my dear diary and i wish that one day we will re joint again and am sure that day will be soon... as for the time been i will have a you dear blog and talk to you like in this night...
I just realised that i am a 24 year old girl who is still exploring many things about life and up until this night everything i do and the way i think was not who i am for quite a while, and for that i feel this epic feeling where i need to be here more and talk to you my dear diary more then anyone because anyone dont exist and never have existed... me who i thought i am and was is not me, its someone i feel i was pretending to be. i trust i talk i do i dont think, thats not me and thats not who i should be or shall be.
i am having an out of body experience where i feel things in my life are like flashes of things i kept on doing over for years and now i am left with no one not because i was forced too, NO, its because i choose to be and for the first time i feel i've made the right decision because i believe strongly that there would be a day where someone would read and feel these words dear blog and finally someone can see through me, i believe that strongly and i am sure of it.

another day is passing and still i am here the same person 4 years ago, i cant remember who i was before or maybe i choose to deny who i was before i just wish that i can have dont things differently or at least realised this feeling i have now before now.

i see things differently now, i feel i have the need to change who i am and start to be more cautious and more careful then the wild life i had before. not because of someone or something its the way i started to see things in life.

i miss you dear diary and i miss the feeling where i hold you and i just bust in tears talking to you and you just listen and always was there for me no matter what.

i miss you dear diary and i hope you are fine no matter where you are and i hope i will find you soon...

i am scared alone without you and reality is tough now that i am finally witnessing it without you...

come back soon

Till when?

Till when? whats next and when is it going to end... I've been dreaming of a happy fairy tale since i was at the age of 12, discovered that i live in the dream word, dreaming that i will have a happy ending that i will taste happiness in my tongue...
still am holding on to you and i hold a candle of hope, wishing, praying that someone will answer my prayers and you will come back from where you are. everything has an end, everything has a finish line, when is my end? what is my finish line? should i ask should i scream. i still puzzle that thought in my mind. do you love do you care do you desire like I? i cant answer that anymore and i cant see the light any more. that light that i used to see every time i see you... i hardly breathe i hardly feel i hardly sense... but am still holding on and fighting to find that light again but am barely holding on to it. where are you now, what is your role now? nothing but pain and agony in my heart suffering to light that candle i shared with you long ago... am falling apart and am barely breathing with my broken heart that still beating, beating with your name on it, beating with your love in it, am barely hold on to you. help me hold it tighter, help me make it live and help me not to fall...
i don't know if i will ever heal, i don't know if i will ever make it, and i don't know if you or i will be here this time this this date this month this hour this minute in a different year...
i leave it to time, i leave it to god... but until when?

10 years today - in the memory of a brother

18-08-1999/ Wednesday at 12 in the afternoon exactly a phone call rang that changed my life for good... a tradegy that happened to me and my dear family... on this day i lost a friend, a listener, a great person, on this day i lost my brother...
days and nights were difficult at first, breathing was hard knowing that my brother is not here, seeing the look at my mother's eyes every time someone mention his name... she bust in tears till today, 10 years today and the pain feels fresh whenever this date passes... things are really hard on this day, the shock of losing someone you love is something you can never get over with. Forgetting it may be easy, ignoring it gets bearable with days passes, but the day when you left was and still is a day that mom and dad got devastated from and till today.
i can still remember you teasing me and your smell, it was special... young at 23 just like my age now you left us and left me.
with time i forgot how you look, how you smell, how you talk and what was your voice like, with time the pain is less, the agony is much easier now but its still there.
this day (today) is heavy to bare. its really heavy to gt over with. a decade where i felt like a dream i didn't see you or held you and told you how much i missed you and started teasing you like you were teasing me.
i am grieving since years but your memory is still in our heart, though its 10 years today from the day you left.
i love you my dear brother
(AbdulWahab Al-Kindi - from 01-06-1976 to 18-08-1999)

3 days and 15 hourse and 11 minutes and 9 seconds

Since the th last text till this moment and untill this second... which leave me in a delema whre i cannot make a decision as my vision and my emptions are vagued with all those sensitive emptional feelings that all girls have... i need to be strong i need to be me...
am surprised that nothing till today as i was no one as i was just someone in the shadow for so long... its not ok to hurt people but in order to avoide hurting people that means i get hurt... hurtning me is ok but other people is guilt, its not who they are any more...
i just need to know and feel any light any type of sense somewhere. i need to built my life based on my own happiness. i have made a decision long ago and i await for you to make that decision too. but if its not what i seek, i would start driving anothe road.

oh well life is tough and it can be so beautiful as well, i think its beautiful and challenging! i guess am tired


Dijava is out ;)

Wind of change

Had a regular normal day, he's not here! he's in Marrakach enjoying his days with his freinds and i went to Saif next door to my office "super market" and shopped out all the chocolates in the world and saw this great top 50 Rock hits cd! and damn it made my day different with scorpio's song wind of change

i can never get enough from this hit it makes life has a meaning...

come back fast, Marrakach no good for you :)

Two Roses

Roses were always the sample people use to express beauty, love and innocence, I never loved roses in fact I hated roses I felt it’s useless. It dies in just two days without water and they give this hideous smell when it gets dry... However today the whole perception changed when I saw him standing with two roses on his hands... looking at me like it was only me in this world... at that moment I felt its me, him and the two roses ... the whole world just froze for a moment and the only thing came up was to jump holding him near holding him believing or actually choosing to believe that it was only me in this world that got this precious gift, that I was the only girl in the universe who was blessed on the "love" day ... everything didn’t make any sense at that moment... and it was a dream for at least an hour but then back again where I belonged... just another girl in the list :)
sometimes we don’t know what other people have for us and sometimes we wish to make them think the way we want them to think, and most probably because they don’t think the way we want them to think, that’s why we dream... that’s why we try ... that’s why we believe..
I choose to believe that am living a dream, I choose to believe that am the most loveable happy girl in the universe all though am the complete opposite... someone else in my condition would say why me? What did I do to get all this? But I believe in something greater... I believe that my day will come... I choose to see what I want and I choose to ignore what upsets me... I simple ignore life whenever I want too...
I knew a young lady who came in my dreams once and said "lets live the moment" and I knew at once that it was me...
I will not judge, I will not upset, I will not anger, I will not jealous and I will not cry...
Lights will always guide me home, I will always find a way to come back but I will be free... I will find my way and I will not fall...
I believe that I have strength and I choose to believe that I can do what anyone can do, but I do believe that I cannot remote anyone and I cannot control a human soul... we all have the rights to choose our paths and I choose mine, therefore you will choose yours and I will not guide you because you need to find your way back to my heart... lights will guide you home and I will still be here and try to fix you...

A letter to Michael Fitzpatrick

It feels just like yesterday when i met Michael Fitzpatrick, funny that a year have passed so fast and i am forced to say goodbye to a great character that affected my life positively and i am really sorry that i am forced under a harsh unfair reasons to be apart from a person who i have no other then respect and ultimate gratitude for all the lessons and experiences he had taught me and enriched my career with...
Michael was a role model, he was my role model. someone i would want to be like when i gain his experience one day, a character that made me change many prospectives about my life. A life time experience that i will never forget. I must say that this is all sound like a bad dream now knowing that he wont be here though I've spend a whole year spending half my day (10 Hrs minimum) working with him in the same office, observing how he deals with people, how he handle presser, how he talks and recording every single move to be a better person. A person that everyone respect and feel comfortable around. "Sounds like a stalker" lol but i am in shock i am in denial! how could this great experience end in one year, i at least expected to grieve and cry within at least 3 years from now or 5 where i say goodbye and have grown more. However at this time its still early, i didn't get enough learning from Michael i didn't get enough to be like him. He's just so perfect to be gone now. I respect you Michael Fitzpatrick and people may think that this worshiping may be too much but am a person who appreciate and i appreciate you been here in my life lifting up and building my career with me. I would never reach where i am today without you i would not learn and acknowledge what i know today without your help and continues support. It is a shame that the way you're gone happened in a cruel way and that people like me in my same nationality would have the low thinking they have today and at this time. all what i can say is that i am deeply sorry and i know that you will shine more and you will concur those people as you are more then who you are today...
i will truly miss you around the office, and i cant imagine going early in the morning not finding you in your desk giving me that morning smile and asking me about my day and making a funny comment about my fishes, i seriously cant imagine working there without you been part of my team... but as i promised you i will get over it and be strong and shine to beat the people who sabotage our image in the world...
You will shine and i will follow my dreams and be someone close to who you are...

I give you my word...

P.S:- i used Pink because you always make your comment about this color which is my favorite :-)

God Bless
your respectfully
K

Turn

You spend a life time thinking that this is what you want and this what will life be in 3 years and 8 months latter then today and you dream, pray, life and above all you believe...
then one day in a matter of seconds that whole life you drew with passion for your self takes another direction!

What went wrong? why did this turn took place? where am i going? i didn't plan for this for the past 3 years and 8 months and then out of a sudden you're there point 0 and you thought you were in point 3 years and 8 months but you're all the way back to 0 in an eye blink...

Did i make a mistake by believing that this is NOW what i want or did i make a mistake by dreaming too much and praying that i will get what i wanted then living it latterly and believing again that this day will come where i harvest my fruits??

you get many questions doubting your soul that maybe you did something wrong and that you need to revise your self back and do things right from point 0 again thus you worked really hard like A type of hard work yet you're here at point 0...

i will find the answers and once i understand why am in point 0 because at this point i see 5 different roads and I'm in the middle of no where thinking which road from these 5 roads should i take? which path is my destiny? and which path will take me straight to what i dreamt of?

I'm in a stage where i feel too scared to take any road and i just want to stay still in the middle of no where hanging by the wall pretending to be OK and bursting my self in laughter to hide this vague vision that i face...


the only thing that i know right now is that i wanna take a turn and give these 5 roads my back and run away back and try to understand what did i do wrong that i am here at point 0, what else should i do to keep the light here in my life...

cold eyes, a clot of anger and deep sad look is what i became yet i am wearing a mask of a bright smile that non can see nor can witness but i still keep my mask all the time...

STOP

I go through my life papers everyday, thinking, laughing, crying and sometimes just gazing at white empty papers remembering every single moment where I missed a moment that time. Where I wasted it on something that’s not here today. Many will say well that’s life, that’s how we experience things but I don’t feel that. I feel I want to go back and twist many things that I know I could have kept with me till this instant but I don’t have the power to STOP.

I don’t have the strength to go back, to think of each incident about life I feel intimidating that it can be worse then it was or even too good to loose it latter. funny that we can never be satisfied and funny that we can never be happy no matter how happy we were at the time been and previously then when its too late we relies it and tear about it.

if every person knew that he or she will loose someone for death they would definitely do allot for him or her before death take them away but we cannot predict things nor we can change things but we can do one thing, embrace what we have now and appreciate it because as many has said before live your life like you're dying tomorrow.

today I’m here and I wish I can yell to tell the world that I’m not here tomorrow neither do you my dear world because life is shorter then we may think it is. we all use the phrase life is short but we never implement the concept and I’m tired to act upon it alone where I love I sacrifice and the world don’t, but I’ve always believed that I feed my self happiness by been the way I am and I hope u wont have to shout STOP again.

I speak ghandi

Many times I sit alone and it will be the only time where I feel I’m been my self and I’m happy and relived, every night I celebrate alone on my bed sitting looking at the wall feeling oh this is the time where I feel so happy where I’m alone and no one is there but during the day I’m surrounded by the whole world. there isn’t a day where I spend it alone without having someone coming to say approaching me for a thing and people love to come to me just for a chat and I like that too but during that whole fuss I feel something is missing I feel alone...
I feel that I don’t celebrate my self enough like when I do when I’m alone and then suddenly everything makes sense. They always say that you need people to live and I cannot agree more but would it make you happy when you’re surrounded by people. Every Thursday I crave for the night to reach so I can go to bed and spend my night reading or watching a movie. It’s the time where I feel everything is connected to me and that life really means something more then just people and working and outings. Life means much more, there's a spiritual side that reached to me every Thursday night and I reach the ultimate balance between pleasure and religion. Something that I sensed many times when I knew love...
Love is the balance between the two basic things about this world, life and prayers. True love for everything, I fell in love with a book, I fell in love with a faze, I fell in love with my new gold fish. Sometimes loving stuff around us makes more sense then loving a person who might harm you eventually or even demolish this love you have. Pure love is always a balance; it’s always the middle option the compromise.
I feel sorry for people who didn’t discover such a reality during their life because life is not just about life is two sides where you reach to a balance that will make your life makes sense out of a sudden :)
Some of my scrabble makes no sense till the day a person finds that balance.