Finally i tasted something i wanted - something i worked hard to get and when finally it was there next to you, right in front of you, just as closed as it could be, you feel it so near that it feels like its drops from heaven... this happiness this what happened made everything as bright as it can get, and made my soul re believe again that maybe i was wrong, maybe this is the thing i needed in my life despite all the alarm warnings i had in my heart and mind i finally believed that this is it... it was a week of un endless drops from heaven that makes your heart shines, you can feel the blood pumping every time its close making your soul and life warm... then ....
the truth within reviles, the secrets were out a week after that and it was dark again....
dark that not even open wide eyes wont see through, a glance of light is not there anymore, i used to see it before, i used to see my way out clearly yet it was that light that made me keep on walking until i found it and now its gonna again, and i cant find that light to walk into it again... it feels like i reached the bottom of it all, that glance of light is gone, those drops of heaven have turned into thistle of hell that goes deeper and deeper into my heart stabbing it Small and quietly that even the blood is invisible to my sight, but my hands can just touch it and feel it hemorrhaging everywhere and the thistle just stab deeper while my eyes are in silent because they see and know too much every little secret was out there breaking any last light that i was holding into.... and i said goodbye once and for all to those drops of heaven that i will never feel as i said goodbye for once and for the last time and again goodbye drops of heaven...
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
Monday, December 27, 2010
3 weeks and 6 days
days are passing so fast that i lost count during the days.... its less them a month now and i will change a part of my life, where i live, where i sleep, the place i call home will be away from me for sometimes or maybe forever....
i pray to Allah to bless me in this new state of life, i pray to God to make it a better path then before.. i pray and i pray and i hope and i believe that it will be great filled with beautiful new moments in life...
its just a matter of days and it will be the big day...
tick tuck....
i pray to Allah to bless me in this new state of life, i pray to God to make it a better path then before.. i pray and i pray and i hope and i believe that it will be great filled with beautiful new moments in life...
its just a matter of days and it will be the big day...
tick tuck....
Friday, December 10, 2010
a month and 16 days is left
to start a new thing in life - to beging - to commit - to love till iternity
is this what i really wanted - is this the path that i see my self in?
i am happy but scared, i am greatful but confused...
its only a month and 16 days away and days are passing fast ...
may allah bless us to beging it right, may allah bless me with stregth to carry on and still keep this heart with me ...
is this what i really wanted - is this the path that i see my self in?
i am happy but scared, i am greatful but confused...
its only a month and 16 days away and days are passing fast ...
may allah bless us to beging it right, may allah bless me with stregth to carry on and still keep this heart with me ...
Monday, December 06, 2010
i wanna do bad things with you - True blood
well recently vampire world is increasing in the silver screen, vampire diary, true blood etc and twighlight fever started this whole mess!
i was always a fan of vampires but now things are just mixed up! each version is different than the other! i kida like true blood (weird and wicked) vampire diary's story is nice to follow
oh well just throught to share my thoughts about vampires! hope they exist! :S
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
what happened to fashion :S
Vogue magazine make this weekly contest that i always don't miss! apparently this week's top 10 dresses are just YUK! i couldn't find one dress i like! probably the only one i liked is Blake Lively's black Chanel dress that she wore on CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund Awards, NYC (number 2) and Karlie Kloss's Stella McCartney (number 1) that's she also wore in the same occasion otherwise the dresses are hideous! well you can check the full dress list on the link attached.
Friday, October 29, 2010
lonely in a world full of people
i cry very night
i pray every prayer
i ask and tear oh dear god why
things are suppose to be good
but things are just too blue
it feels like a girl locked in a cage
cage of dreams
reality has lived the dream
but results were not foreseen
this pain is just too hard
why cant this girl be gone
nothing is left but a virtual world
giving me hope while its already blown
where is that light that i seek within
where is the sun that shines in me
people come and go
they laugh dance and blast all night
while she sit in her room tear pray and care
why is lonely that only feeling she has tonight
why is the night so long wihtout
why is happiness so hard to find
was happiness there when dreams died
what is a dream without bless and joy
what is a life without comfort and secure
it still feels lonely all through the world is round me
Mahar - 28 Oct 2010
i pray every prayer
i ask and tear oh dear god why
things are suppose to be good
but things are just too blue
it feels like a girl locked in a cage
cage of dreams
reality has lived the dream
but results were not foreseen
this pain is just too hard
why cant this girl be gone
nothing is left but a virtual world
giving me hope while its already blown
where is that light that i seek within
where is the sun that shines in me
people come and go
they laugh dance and blast all night
while she sit in her room tear pray and care
why is lonely that only feeling she has tonight
why is the night so long wihtout
why is happiness so hard to find
was happiness there when dreams died
what is a dream without bless and joy
what is a life without comfort and secure
it still feels lonely all through the world is round me
Mahar - 28 Oct 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Its a fight within
Weirdly, i am for the first time struggeling from inside, wanting so bad to do what i know am suppose to do and what i would normally do, but it always results for a quick good result and then back again to the same scenario! this time it has been 3 weeks and i am holding my self... shuold i react, should i make a step, should i commit my decision??
too many questions in my head! i know everything around me, i know whats going on and i know why am i like this and i know how can i get rid of it and move on! my only struggle is that it involvs family! i dont want to do the same thing that happened before again! it just going to be disapointing to my family but not me of course! i've already prepared my recovery plan!
wow, i spend my days preparing my recovery plan to anything around me which make me think why is the world always disapointing me! is it me? am i the problem? i dont think this way!
its that conflicting now, can i go back to numbing the way i feel? its just there are too much emotions that even numbing has no space anymore for my feelings!
everything is just too sesitive now! and i am losing the believe! the believe in me! that am a good better person who was born a fighter! strongly to say NO strong enough to make things black and white! strong enough to know when enough is enough!
everything feels meaningless, tasteless.. i cant feel food, work, family, friends nor anything!
is there anyone watching over me? it feels like this world has left me to go insane!
where is my guardian angel where are all my virtual friends? where is everyone?
how can i be back from this black hole that i ve sank in?
it feels like i am in a battle! a battle with my self
too many questions in my head! i know everything around me, i know whats going on and i know why am i like this and i know how can i get rid of it and move on! my only struggle is that it involvs family! i dont want to do the same thing that happened before again! it just going to be disapointing to my family but not me of course! i've already prepared my recovery plan!
wow, i spend my days preparing my recovery plan to anything around me which make me think why is the world always disapointing me! is it me? am i the problem? i dont think this way!
its that conflicting now, can i go back to numbing the way i feel? its just there are too much emotions that even numbing has no space anymore for my feelings!
everything is just too sesitive now! and i am losing the believe! the believe in me! that am a good better person who was born a fighter! strongly to say NO strong enough to make things black and white! strong enough to know when enough is enough!
everything feels meaningless, tasteless.. i cant feel food, work, family, friends nor anything!
is there anyone watching over me? it feels like this world has left me to go insane!
where is my guardian angel where are all my virtual friends? where is everyone?
how can i be back from this black hole that i ve sank in?
it feels like i am in a battle! a battle with my self
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Numbing some feelings
lately i know things, i see things i feel things, is it right that someone say they love you and hurt you in the same time to satisfy another person he has feelings for and other person is in pain becasue you and this persion are in love!
fuck!
now thats drama!
well am holding my self from been the useual me! which is basically raising my finger and saying bugger off!
can anything be more complicate now! i feel locked in a person i don know just for the fear of losing this other person! but does this person care for me at all for all this drama!
i am so tired of this dilemma that i am numbing the way i feel curently! well the problem is, since i numb my anger. my love and care is getting numb too which is basically leading to carelesness which obviously will lead to no feelings at all! but why put up with all of this?
It seems i will raise the finger and leave the fuck away from this series!
oh well tough!
fuck!
now thats drama!
well am holding my self from been the useual me! which is basically raising my finger and saying bugger off!
can anything be more complicate now! i feel locked in a person i don know just for the fear of losing this other person! but does this person care for me at all for all this drama!
i am so tired of this dilemma that i am numbing the way i feel curently! well the problem is, since i numb my anger. my love and care is getting numb too which is basically leading to carelesness which obviously will lead to no feelings at all! but why put up with all of this?
It seems i will raise the finger and leave the fuck away from this series!
oh well tough!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Eid - just another word ....
Sadly...
Eid the happy occasion we celebrate in the Muslim world has become a word without a feeling recently. Just another holiday in the yearly calender. This feeling is not something i only share in my heart- yet it comes from the accumulation of so many conversations i had with many different people. The joy of reuniting with the people you love and your family is just too weird now! people dress up and sit down to preform the following as always:-
1- Cooking the famous "Ursiya" which contains rice, and squashed meat or chicken! and eating it till you get a stomach ache :S
2- Slughttring a poor cow or goat and eating him for the coming two days in so many different ways!
3-Shiwa - the famous Omani meat berried in the ground!
Well its pretty obvious that Eid includes lots of eating which can be a very awful habit (sort of) and that eating has been the main focus on Eid along dressing up and spending a fortune on cloths! which basically is encouraging people to be super superficial! i wished if Eid was encouraging people to give out more or to try and get closer to their families by hearing their problems or bonding more with them instead of the common thought we all have currently which is bragging about looks and cloths!
In the world i live in i feel that superficiality and looks are mostly common here though i do love to look good and spend some money on clothing and salonning my self yet i never brag! i do it for ME and not for the people! i am not so perfect i do have my own sick jumps sometimes thanks to the society i live in and influence i get from!
Eid is not Eid any more! it became silly and meaningless with the people around me! things are just so shallow to be joyful now!
its just my opinion...
Eid the happy occasion we celebrate in the Muslim world has become a word without a feeling recently. Just another holiday in the yearly calender. This feeling is not something i only share in my heart- yet it comes from the accumulation of so many conversations i had with many different people. The joy of reuniting with the people you love and your family is just too weird now! people dress up and sit down to preform the following as always:-
1- Cooking the famous "Ursiya" which contains rice, and squashed meat or chicken! and eating it till you get a stomach ache :S
2- Slughttring a poor cow or goat and eating him for the coming two days in so many different ways!
3-Shiwa - the famous Omani meat berried in the ground!
Well its pretty obvious that Eid includes lots of eating which can be a very awful habit (sort of) and that eating has been the main focus on Eid along dressing up and spending a fortune on cloths! which basically is encouraging people to be super superficial! i wished if Eid was encouraging people to give out more or to try and get closer to their families by hearing their problems or bonding more with them instead of the common thought we all have currently which is bragging about looks and cloths!
In the world i live in i feel that superficiality and looks are mostly common here though i do love to look good and spend some money on clothing and salonning my self yet i never brag! i do it for ME and not for the people! i am not so perfect i do have my own sick jumps sometimes thanks to the society i live in and influence i get from!
Eid is not Eid any more! it became silly and meaningless with the people around me! things are just so shallow to be joyful now!
its just my opinion...
Monday, September 06, 2010
Sunday, September 05, 2010
"My September"
Ive always had a great relationship with September, its my spring September where everything is colourful and great! it starts with the day i was born 3rd of Sep (yet dad still insist that its the 5th!) - every year its a great time to me, very special though nothing happens and i celebrate it alone with some really close friends. This year "My September" was different. For the first time in my life September fail me so bad but i think because it was trying to warm me about something since years.
it began with a surprisingly weird feeling, it was not joyful and not sad but it was dark and heavy to my heart. yet the thing i was waiting for happened! and i was crying because i thought my feelings this year were deceiving me and that though this dark feeling still September didn't fail me and it gave me the best present on my day...
still my birthday was a bit weird, didnt feel that i have reached 25 years in my life and i am where i am today while i know for a fact that i could have dont more but i ve missed 5 years waiting for this thing to happen while already did!
it is weird how scared i was from it but then i unleashed my happiness and felt it to the ultimate and was dreaming of "My great September" the dark feeling was fading away yet i can sense it... one day later the darkness pealed my happiness from my life and something i prepared my self for since 5 years was lost in a moment of leashed happiness.
today i pick my self pieces after a day from the darkness attack, i will not lose what i have built to my self and i will not lose who i was before as in the happiness camouflage i forgot the person inside me and got lost between superficiality.
i can easily say that "My September" was the worse September i have ever lived in 25 years :-)
it began with a surprisingly weird feeling, it was not joyful and not sad but it was dark and heavy to my heart. yet the thing i was waiting for happened! and i was crying because i thought my feelings this year were deceiving me and that though this dark feeling still September didn't fail me and it gave me the best present on my day...
still my birthday was a bit weird, didnt feel that i have reached 25 years in my life and i am where i am today while i know for a fact that i could have dont more but i ve missed 5 years waiting for this thing to happen while already did!
it is weird how scared i was from it but then i unleashed my happiness and felt it to the ultimate and was dreaming of "My great September" the dark feeling was fading away yet i can sense it... one day later the darkness pealed my happiness from my life and something i prepared my self for since 5 years was lost in a moment of leashed happiness.
today i pick my self pieces after a day from the darkness attack, i will not lose what i have built to my self and i will not lose who i was before as in the happiness camouflage i forgot the person inside me and got lost between superficiality.
i can easily say that "My September" was the worse September i have ever lived in 25 years :-)
Sunday, July 04, 2010
its like music in my eyes
with everything that have happened, with all of the pain and sadness i sence around me from the un ending prison, a cage that i am locked in where i still struggel in searching for my selvation, searching for a way to change the way i see the world at this point...
everything seems calm, the wind blowing into the trees and the universe running around in a circle that i can see in slow motion... why do sadness exist in this beautiful calm world... why do i still feel locked in this cage while the world is huge enough to make me free...
days are passing and still i laugh smile yell scream cry live my life carrying this big thing inside my heart... if only... If only....
i smile a fake laughter that i show the whole world, a bubly girl who's always pink and white full of colours, i show love i give as much as i can but still i go back every night and i cry hoping that this pain would go... this fear will just leave me alone ....
sadness has become like music in my eyes that i can only hear in my ears and no one can see other them me....
i dont know if am been dramatic about everything in this world, but still i feel locked in a cage of this bubly pink happy girl which carries alot of sadnss inside that no one can see or feel...
i just need to find my happy path that i never found... things are not as simple as i see them and the world is not so crule as i see it, its not the world's fault for everything that have happened...
its the people aorund me the souls i believed that can protect me...
this music will not stop inside my eyes untill i find my freedom away from my locked sadness...
everything seems calm, the wind blowing into the trees and the universe running around in a circle that i can see in slow motion... why do sadness exist in this beautiful calm world... why do i still feel locked in this cage while the world is huge enough to make me free...
days are passing and still i laugh smile yell scream cry live my life carrying this big thing inside my heart... if only... If only....
i smile a fake laughter that i show the whole world, a bubly girl who's always pink and white full of colours, i show love i give as much as i can but still i go back every night and i cry hoping that this pain would go... this fear will just leave me alone ....
sadness has become like music in my eyes that i can only hear in my ears and no one can see other them me....
i dont know if am been dramatic about everything in this world, but still i feel locked in a cage of this bubly pink happy girl which carries alot of sadnss inside that no one can see or feel...
i just need to find my happy path that i never found... things are not as simple as i see them and the world is not so crule as i see it, its not the world's fault for everything that have happened...
its the people aorund me the souls i believed that can protect me...
this music will not stop inside my eyes untill i find my freedom away from my locked sadness...
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Good bye lemony :-(
A week ago i was forced to let go of someone precious to me :( my dear Lemony Snikits...
i will miss you Lemon and i know we only had two years together, but it was a sweet time to me that i have had you with me at home... i will never forget you and the times we spent together...
and i will never forget the time you delievered in total 14 kids (3 deliveries) ...
I hope the new home i found you will be comfortable to you as it was for us back home...
:"(
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
a stranger in a world i dont belong in
two years ago i''ve experienced one of the most self torturing punishment for been who i was...
recently i was able to find my self, my soul my person... and again the most crusial things happened to me because i still dont belong.
i know for a fact now that no matter how comfotable i am where i am today, a day will come and i will be at point zero again...
i always felt that i belong somewhere not here, but i pushed my self for the people i love, for the people around me...
only one thing kept me going, a person...
a person i thought can be the solution for everything, or can really keep me comfortable for as long as i live...
i relise now that its a mistake from me to think that, i relise now that i should have had faith in me and searched for what makes me strong and not lean on someone for that...
i fell so many times, and each time i woke up from the fall strong.
this fall was hard on me, and it was harder because my person bail on me and wasnt there for me, actually no one was there to be with me on this fall...
yet again its not a surprise that i wake up from my fall alone and strong again.
i almost got crushed, i almost fell without standing on my legs again.. i almost fade away...
i walk in roads, har people, meet everyone and i know these are not the faces or the places i belong too, i have to find my happiness and its not here, and not in this time..
i walk like a stranger in a world i dont belong too...
recently i was able to find my self, my soul my person... and again the most crusial things happened to me because i still dont belong.
i know for a fact now that no matter how comfotable i am where i am today, a day will come and i will be at point zero again...
i always felt that i belong somewhere not here, but i pushed my self for the people i love, for the people around me...
only one thing kept me going, a person...
a person i thought can be the solution for everything, or can really keep me comfortable for as long as i live...
i relise now that its a mistake from me to think that, i relise now that i should have had faith in me and searched for what makes me strong and not lean on someone for that...
i fell so many times, and each time i woke up from the fall strong.
this fall was hard on me, and it was harder because my person bail on me and wasnt there for me, actually no one was there to be with me on this fall...
yet again its not a surprise that i wake up from my fall alone and strong again.
i almost got crushed, i almost fell without standing on my legs again.. i almost fade away...
i walk in roads, har people, meet everyone and i know these are not the faces or the places i belong too, i have to find my happiness and its not here, and not in this time..
i walk like a stranger in a world i dont belong too...
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Lost inside
Reality...........
a truth that i refused to see 5 years and i refused to see untill today, i woke up just knowing that today is the day i see reality...
i waked from my house door, my eye was twitching, my right eye... in Omani standards that means something bad, though i never believed in that but i felt its real inside me...
i saw what i was refusing to see, i finally made that decesion that i was waiting for so long... i know its right and i know it should have happened long ago. i crushed my dreams. i killed my heart. i broke my own heart, i took it out and stepped on it and through it away where no one will ever find it. the hard decision is been made and lonely and alone is what i choose to be.. because reality is not the dream i lived in. reality is here where am sitting today at this time, writing in this place feeling this horrible horrible agony that i kept been blind for so long and i believed a dream, a beautiful dream,, a lie, a beautiful lie...
broken inside, no place to go, open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why, you've been rejected and you cant find what you left behind, i need to be strong, too many problems and i dont know where i belong. am back where i was 4 years back... my feelings that i hide, my dreams that cant find, am loosing my mind, falling behind, falling my grace i feel all over the place shreded in peaces, no place to go, no place to go... i see rounds of people but i am not here, no around any more. physical and psycho pain in my heart that i try to hide behind a big smile, a big fake smile that everything is ok and things are normal. Be strong and keep your face thats the only idea rolling in my mind, yet i cant fake any more i need home, i need home, home is not safe any more, home is no where any more, home is lost for good......
a truth that i refused to see 5 years and i refused to see untill today, i woke up just knowing that today is the day i see reality...
i waked from my house door, my eye was twitching, my right eye... in Omani standards that means something bad, though i never believed in that but i felt its real inside me...
i saw what i was refusing to see, i finally made that decesion that i was waiting for so long... i know its right and i know it should have happened long ago. i crushed my dreams. i killed my heart. i broke my own heart, i took it out and stepped on it and through it away where no one will ever find it. the hard decision is been made and lonely and alone is what i choose to be.. because reality is not the dream i lived in. reality is here where am sitting today at this time, writing in this place feeling this horrible horrible agony that i kept been blind for so long and i believed a dream, a beautiful dream,, a lie, a beautiful lie...
broken inside, no place to go, open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why, you've been rejected and you cant find what you left behind, i need to be strong, too many problems and i dont know where i belong. am back where i was 4 years back... my feelings that i hide, my dreams that cant find, am loosing my mind, falling behind, falling my grace i feel all over the place shreded in peaces, no place to go, no place to go... i see rounds of people but i am not here, no around any more. physical and psycho pain in my heart that i try to hide behind a big smile, a big fake smile that everything is ok and things are normal. Be strong and keep your face thats the only idea rolling in my mind, yet i cant fake any more i need home, i need home, home is not safe any more, home is no where any more, home is lost for good......
Monday, September 28, 2009
dear blog
sometimes........
i run away and don't write it and just choose to forget whatever the matter is, however i adored the idea of holding on to a personal journal every day and start with dear diary and just let it lye there with whatever feeling i had on that day, yet the thought of having my best friend (my diaries) is not an option any more since it was exposed a year ago... i live where no one can understand what is a book and a pen to one human being and thats who i am, someone who treasure that journal like a best friend, which leaves me my dear blog yet i am sorry dear blog no one can take my best friend away from my heart because he had kept me high when ever i needed him and he was always there for me whenever i needed him and at anytime. i miss my dear diary and i wish that one day we will re joint again and am sure that day will be soon... as for the time been i will have a you dear blog and talk to you like in this night...
I just realised that i am a 24 year old girl who is still exploring many things about life and up until this night everything i do and the way i think was not who i am for quite a while, and for that i feel this epic feeling where i need to be here more and talk to you my dear diary more then anyone because anyone dont exist and never have existed... me who i thought i am and was is not me, its someone i feel i was pretending to be. i trust i talk i do i dont think, thats not me and thats not who i should be or shall be.
i am having an out of body experience where i feel things in my life are like flashes of things i kept on doing over for years and now i am left with no one not because i was forced too, NO, its because i choose to be and for the first time i feel i've made the right decision because i believe strongly that there would be a day where someone would read and feel these words dear blog and finally someone can see through me, i believe that strongly and i am sure of it.
another day is passing and still i am here the same person 4 years ago, i cant remember who i was before or maybe i choose to deny who i was before i just wish that i can have dont things differently or at least realised this feeling i have now before now.
i see things differently now, i feel i have the need to change who i am and start to be more cautious and more careful then the wild life i had before. not because of someone or something its the way i started to see things in life.
i miss you dear diary and i miss the feeling where i hold you and i just bust in tears talking to you and you just listen and always was there for me no matter what.
i miss you dear diary and i hope you are fine no matter where you are and i hope i will find you soon...
i am scared alone without you and reality is tough now that i am finally witnessing it without you...
come back soon
i run away and don't write it and just choose to forget whatever the matter is, however i adored the idea of holding on to a personal journal every day and start with dear diary and just let it lye there with whatever feeling i had on that day, yet the thought of having my best friend (my diaries) is not an option any more since it was exposed a year ago... i live where no one can understand what is a book and a pen to one human being and thats who i am, someone who treasure that journal like a best friend, which leaves me my dear blog yet i am sorry dear blog no one can take my best friend away from my heart because he had kept me high when ever i needed him and he was always there for me whenever i needed him and at anytime. i miss my dear diary and i wish that one day we will re joint again and am sure that day will be soon... as for the time been i will have a you dear blog and talk to you like in this night...
I just realised that i am a 24 year old girl who is still exploring many things about life and up until this night everything i do and the way i think was not who i am for quite a while, and for that i feel this epic feeling where i need to be here more and talk to you my dear diary more then anyone because anyone dont exist and never have existed... me who i thought i am and was is not me, its someone i feel i was pretending to be. i trust i talk i do i dont think, thats not me and thats not who i should be or shall be.
i am having an out of body experience where i feel things in my life are like flashes of things i kept on doing over for years and now i am left with no one not because i was forced too, NO, its because i choose to be and for the first time i feel i've made the right decision because i believe strongly that there would be a day where someone would read and feel these words dear blog and finally someone can see through me, i believe that strongly and i am sure of it.
another day is passing and still i am here the same person 4 years ago, i cant remember who i was before or maybe i choose to deny who i was before i just wish that i can have dont things differently or at least realised this feeling i have now before now.
i see things differently now, i feel i have the need to change who i am and start to be more cautious and more careful then the wild life i had before. not because of someone or something its the way i started to see things in life.
i miss you dear diary and i miss the feeling where i hold you and i just bust in tears talking to you and you just listen and always was there for me no matter what.
i miss you dear diary and i hope you are fine no matter where you are and i hope i will find you soon...
i am scared alone without you and reality is tough now that i am finally witnessing it without you...
come back soon
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Till when?
Till when? whats next and when is it going to end... I've been dreaming of a happy fairy tale since i was at the age of 12, discovered that i live in the dream word, dreaming that i will have a happy ending that i will taste happiness in my tongue...
still am holding on to you and i hold a candle of hope, wishing, praying that someone will answer my prayers and you will come back from where you are. everything has an end, everything has a finish line, when is my end? what is my finish line? should i ask should i scream. i still puzzle that thought in my mind. do you love do you care do you desire like I? i cant answer that anymore and i cant see the light any more. that light that i used to see every time i see you... i hardly breathe i hardly feel i hardly sense... but am still holding on and fighting to find that light again but am barely holding on to it. where are you now, what is your role now? nothing but pain and agony in my heart suffering to light that candle i shared with you long ago... am falling apart and am barely breathing with my broken heart that still beating, beating with your name on it, beating with your love in it, am barely hold on to you. help me hold it tighter, help me make it live and help me not to fall...
i don't know if i will ever heal, i don't know if i will ever make it, and i don't know if you or i will be here this time this this date this month this hour this minute in a different year...
i leave it to time, i leave it to god... but until when?
still am holding on to you and i hold a candle of hope, wishing, praying that someone will answer my prayers and you will come back from where you are. everything has an end, everything has a finish line, when is my end? what is my finish line? should i ask should i scream. i still puzzle that thought in my mind. do you love do you care do you desire like I? i cant answer that anymore and i cant see the light any more. that light that i used to see every time i see you... i hardly breathe i hardly feel i hardly sense... but am still holding on and fighting to find that light again but am barely holding on to it. where are you now, what is your role now? nothing but pain and agony in my heart suffering to light that candle i shared with you long ago... am falling apart and am barely breathing with my broken heart that still beating, beating with your name on it, beating with your love in it, am barely hold on to you. help me hold it tighter, help me make it live and help me not to fall...
i don't know if i will ever heal, i don't know if i will ever make it, and i don't know if you or i will be here this time this this date this month this hour this minute in a different year...
i leave it to time, i leave it to god... but until when?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
10 years today - in the memory of a brother
18-08-1999/ Wednesday at 12 in the afternoon exactly a phone call rang that changed my life for good... a tradegy that happened to me and my dear family... on this day i lost a friend, a listener, a great person, on this day i lost my brother...
days and nights were difficult at first, breathing was hard knowing that my brother is not here, seeing the look at my mother's eyes every time someone mention his name... she bust in tears till today, 10 years today and the pain feels fresh whenever this date passes... things are really hard on this day, the shock of losing someone you love is something you can never get over with. Forgetting it may be easy, ignoring it gets bearable with days passes, but the day when you left was and still is a day that mom and dad got devastated from and till today.
i can still remember you teasing me and your smell, it was special... young at 23 just like my age now you left us and left me.
with time i forgot how you look, how you smell, how you talk and what was your voice like, with time the pain is less, the agony is much easier now but its still there.
this day (today) is heavy to bare. its really heavy to gt over with. a decade where i felt like a dream i didn't see you or held you and told you how much i missed you and started teasing you like you were teasing me.
i am grieving since years but your memory is still in our heart, though its 10 years today from the day you left.
i love you my dear brother
(AbdulWahab Al-Kindi - from 01-06-1976 to 18-08-1999)
days and nights were difficult at first, breathing was hard knowing that my brother is not here, seeing the look at my mother's eyes every time someone mention his name... she bust in tears till today, 10 years today and the pain feels fresh whenever this date passes... things are really hard on this day, the shock of losing someone you love is something you can never get over with. Forgetting it may be easy, ignoring it gets bearable with days passes, but the day when you left was and still is a day that mom and dad got devastated from and till today.
i can still remember you teasing me and your smell, it was special... young at 23 just like my age now you left us and left me.
with time i forgot how you look, how you smell, how you talk and what was your voice like, with time the pain is less, the agony is much easier now but its still there.
this day (today) is heavy to bare. its really heavy to gt over with. a decade where i felt like a dream i didn't see you or held you and told you how much i missed you and started teasing you like you were teasing me.
i am grieving since years but your memory is still in our heart, though its 10 years today from the day you left.
i love you my dear brother
(AbdulWahab Al-Kindi - from 01-06-1976 to 18-08-1999)
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
3 days and 15 hourse and 11 minutes and 9 seconds
Since the th last text till this moment and untill this second... which leave me in a delema whre i cannot make a decision as my vision and my emptions are vagued with all those sensitive emptional feelings that all girls have... i need to be strong i need to be me...
am surprised that nothing till today as i was no one as i was just someone in the shadow for so long... its not ok to hurt people but in order to avoide hurting people that means i get hurt... hurtning me is ok but other people is guilt, its not who they are any more...
i just need to know and feel any light any type of sense somewhere. i need to built my life based on my own happiness. i have made a decision long ago and i await for you to make that decision too. but if its not what i seek, i would start driving anothe road.
oh well life is tough and it can be so beautiful as well, i think its beautiful and challenging! i guess am tired
Dijava is out ;)
am surprised that nothing till today as i was no one as i was just someone in the shadow for so long... its not ok to hurt people but in order to avoide hurting people that means i get hurt... hurtning me is ok but other people is guilt, its not who they are any more...
i just need to know and feel any light any type of sense somewhere. i need to built my life based on my own happiness. i have made a decision long ago and i await for you to make that decision too. but if its not what i seek, i would start driving anothe road.
oh well life is tough and it can be so beautiful as well, i think its beautiful and challenging! i guess am tired
Dijava is out ;)
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Wind of change
Had a regular normal day, he's not here! he's in Marrakach enjoying his days with his freinds and i went to Saif next door to my office "super market" and shopped out all the chocolates in the world and saw this great top 50 Rock hits cd! and damn it made my day different with scorpio's song wind of change
i can never get enough from this hit it makes life has a meaning...
come back fast, Marrakach no good for you :)
i can never get enough from this hit it makes life has a meaning...
come back fast, Marrakach no good for you :)
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