Turn

You spend a life time thinking that this is what you want and this what will life be in 3 years and 8 months latter then today and you dream, pray, life and above all you believe...
then one day in a matter of seconds that whole life you drew with passion for your self takes another direction!

What went wrong? why did this turn took place? where am i going? i didn't plan for this for the past 3 years and 8 months and then out of a sudden you're there point 0 and you thought you were in point 3 years and 8 months but you're all the way back to 0 in an eye blink...

Did i make a mistake by believing that this is NOW what i want or did i make a mistake by dreaming too much and praying that i will get what i wanted then living it latterly and believing again that this day will come where i harvest my fruits??

you get many questions doubting your soul that maybe you did something wrong and that you need to revise your self back and do things right from point 0 again thus you worked really hard like A type of hard work yet you're here at point 0...

i will find the answers and once i understand why am in point 0 because at this point i see 5 different roads and I'm in the middle of no where thinking which road from these 5 roads should i take? which path is my destiny? and which path will take me straight to what i dreamt of?

I'm in a stage where i feel too scared to take any road and i just want to stay still in the middle of no where hanging by the wall pretending to be OK and bursting my self in laughter to hide this vague vision that i face...


the only thing that i know right now is that i wanna take a turn and give these 5 roads my back and run away back and try to understand what did i do wrong that i am here at point 0, what else should i do to keep the light here in my life...

cold eyes, a clot of anger and deep sad look is what i became yet i am wearing a mask of a bright smile that non can see nor can witness but i still keep my mask all the time...

STOP

I go through my life papers everyday, thinking, laughing, crying and sometimes just gazing at white empty papers remembering every single moment where I missed a moment that time. Where I wasted it on something that’s not here today. Many will say well that’s life, that’s how we experience things but I don’t feel that. I feel I want to go back and twist many things that I know I could have kept with me till this instant but I don’t have the power to STOP.

I don’t have the strength to go back, to think of each incident about life I feel intimidating that it can be worse then it was or even too good to loose it latter. funny that we can never be satisfied and funny that we can never be happy no matter how happy we were at the time been and previously then when its too late we relies it and tear about it.

if every person knew that he or she will loose someone for death they would definitely do allot for him or her before death take them away but we cannot predict things nor we can change things but we can do one thing, embrace what we have now and appreciate it because as many has said before live your life like you're dying tomorrow.

today I’m here and I wish I can yell to tell the world that I’m not here tomorrow neither do you my dear world because life is shorter then we may think it is. we all use the phrase life is short but we never implement the concept and I’m tired to act upon it alone where I love I sacrifice and the world don’t, but I’ve always believed that I feed my self happiness by been the way I am and I hope u wont have to shout STOP again.

I speak ghandi

Many times I sit alone and it will be the only time where I feel I’m been my self and I’m happy and relived, every night I celebrate alone on my bed sitting looking at the wall feeling oh this is the time where I feel so happy where I’m alone and no one is there but during the day I’m surrounded by the whole world. there isn’t a day where I spend it alone without having someone coming to say approaching me for a thing and people love to come to me just for a chat and I like that too but during that whole fuss I feel something is missing I feel alone...
I feel that I don’t celebrate my self enough like when I do when I’m alone and then suddenly everything makes sense. They always say that you need people to live and I cannot agree more but would it make you happy when you’re surrounded by people. Every Thursday I crave for the night to reach so I can go to bed and spend my night reading or watching a movie. It’s the time where I feel everything is connected to me and that life really means something more then just people and working and outings. Life means much more, there's a spiritual side that reached to me every Thursday night and I reach the ultimate balance between pleasure and religion. Something that I sensed many times when I knew love...
Love is the balance between the two basic things about this world, life and prayers. True love for everything, I fell in love with a book, I fell in love with a faze, I fell in love with my new gold fish. Sometimes loving stuff around us makes more sense then loving a person who might harm you eventually or even demolish this love you have. Pure love is always a balance; it’s always the middle option the compromise.
I feel sorry for people who didn’t discover such a reality during their life because life is not just about life is two sides where you reach to a balance that will make your life makes sense out of a sudden :)
Some of my scrabble makes no sense till the day a person finds that balance.

In that sky

Seconds, minutes, days and then years and life is running. Now when i look back it feels like decades since yesterday. and i still look at the same sky every day. The moon is still the same, the breeze is still the same, that old tree is still the same. But me! why do i still feel different while I'm still here in the same place. Same people, same sky, same sea, same tree and everything is the same but only time is different. Why do i feel that i need to be there. Somewhere else but not here. Its been a long time and I'm waiting and its been a long time I'm wondering why am I still here. I know that I'm not here, i know that i need and i must be somewhere else. Where is that place? why can't I find that place? i know the place but I don't have the courage to go there. That sky is waiting for me everyday and i know that I'm craving to see it too. Life, People, Family, Culture, Religion and everything is holding me right here and I'm not happy. I belong in that sky, and that sky is home.

Lost

A crowded place full of people. People we know and people we might never know and meet and then know. We might know a lot of people a lot of different personalities. We might be loved by all these people and be considered as best friend. Attending a party or a gathering and you mingle with everyone laughing out loud been a total different person from who you really are. Hiding someone behind this confident “I know what I’m doing” mask. But no one can recognize who we really are. Only I can know who I really am. Cracking jokes having everything in this life, a successful life, a great house, a beautiful face and a great spirit but still something is missing. We still depart to bed at night thinking was it really me? Is this who I am? And the bigger question, am I happy? Who can identify me among all faces? Who can know who I am just like I do? Why do we still feel lonely all though we have the world in our hands? Is everything not enough? Is enough is never enough to us? Is the sea is still not enough for our tears? Where and when we shall feel home? Where is home? Why do we still wonder till today?

Time

Tick Tuck,

Time is a mystery. Many ppl think that time is just time but I believe that time is one of the powerful things in this world. How do we think? We think a head!!! Doesn’t make sense I know! But what if we think backwards??? What will happen then?? Many things will change. Many decision made, facts, elements, activities and life as a whole will change. If we knew or even predicted every possible incident that could happen to us we would be living today in a flawless world. Where everything seems to be organized and everything is right. UN fortunately we do! We’re doers and that can be a good thing at a time but we need to spend more time on thinking. We need to see the outcome and from there take our mind to a backward journey experiencing how and why I reached where I reached today.
Sadly it happens all over again. We do and do and do and never think and then we still suffer. We could easily solve a problem without even having a problem but then ppl might say why I should spend my time worrying about something that might never happen and we shall learn from our mistakes, I say true and I can never argue on this cuz I believe it true too. But do we really learn from our mistakes?
Do we really think backwards when the problem happen again? Do we know the system of our lives? I say NO! We don't and we will never do, because we need to stop for a moment and think. Things can't be driven back to you every time and you still blame the world for your problems. You create your own destiny and only you can make it better...
Time can play a huge role in our lives.
Time can be precious now but we never know it till it’s too late. Precious this time now. And think of time now. Before it’s too late and no time is left for things to go back where it should be. I believe that time is somewhere looking at us tick tucking with life's heart beats until one day it will stop and life will end with it. Then what? They say it’s never too late. But time is sad somewhere waiting for us once and for all to think about him and how time can only help us about each tiny thing about our lives. Start preciousing your time before its too late...

I will hurt you now

a decision is been made.
i locked this key forever.
as much as you might hate me for making this decision
but i love you that much to hurt you now for you to be happy forever.
i know it doesn't make sense. but one day it will.
i will hurt you now to let you live to let you love for latter.
i will hurt you now to give you the ultimate infinity.
i signed a death note
my name was next to the death signature option.
i will hurt you now because i know i will save you
i will kill you now because my love is forever
not for today, not for tomorrow its forever
i 've decided
you will live to continue living
you will feel pain to continue happiness
you will feel bitter to continue relief
i will hurt you now to hold you away forever
i will hurt you now just for a moment
to have forever without "hurt"
to love till never, to live till ever
i will hurt you now and i will fade away
i lift you up in that rock
and i saw you from the bottom of the sea
having a smile up my face
a happy overwhelmed feeling
you live and i will die
am sorry
i will never hurt you
but i will hurt you now.

The Dark Knight

3 years ago i went to the same theatre plaza to watch a movie called batman begins. I've expected a lame cheap copy cat movie about batman's classics. yet this movie 3 years ago has left a deep impact on me. i weird connection. some might think its stupid. yet i believe that if batman existed i would do anything just to see him and tell him thank you. Cuz because of you i am a stronger person today. i had a situation back then and the movie made me decide how to get over that situation and it helped me a lot for the past 3 years. ironically the same situation happened to me in this stage of my life and again batman "the dark knight" had this power to take me out of that situation by guiding me on what should i do next. it may seem stupid but batman has and will always be my favorite superhero. he doesn't have spidy powers like spider man or has great power from another planet like krypton or whatever it is. he has a power to believe in good. and by using his mind he reached where he is today. he's like another robin hood but more modern and developed.

the movie was smashing, magnificent. i would love to go and see it again.

the soundtrack, the scene effects everything was just breath taken. 100/10 that's how i rate this movie. not to mention the great christian bale whom i must say deserve an Oscar for this role. and the amazing heath ledger as the joker had played a genius role. yet i feel so awful that he past away recently for an over drugged dose.

best movie for 2008.

a bumb in the head

everything seem to be so cold, freezing me to death at this moment. yet its so hot outside "the weather" everything seems to burn. but am still cold, shaking, shivering! no i'm not sick! i thought that too at first but its not a physical problem. Its more then that! the funny feeling where everything feels fuzzy and buzzing around me is getting stronger by the minute. everything seems to be slow! am i dreaming or what??
i wanna go out in the sun to feel warm, but someone told me no use! stay where you are and slap your self. i touch my cheeks "its burning" but why am i cold!
i walked around searching for answeres but even the answeres i get are so cold! i need something warm. i need to feel heat again. i need to be alive. you've got fever! someone yelled from far away as i can hear'em but apparently he's just infornt of me!! i said no its impossible! What a day!! a blink of an eye where water was just flushing in my hair, body. very cold i must say! i just relised that i bumbed my head and fell in the shower!

hurt

Long time i haven't wrote anything in here, but its about time i reveal things that i couldn't share with anyone but my blog...
Sometimes it takes us ages to relise that all our life is a lie, that for years i've living a dream and i just woke up... what upsets me more is that someone woke me up, i didn't wake up my own. things, facts, elements were waving from far far away telling me to wake up but i continued sleeping and i had the feeling where between each breath that moment of no air are the times i raised on top of happiness. but now i breath air, am very much feeling each breath i take with each air enters my blood cycle. but the fact i feel am dead is something i can't understnad. its a moment where i died and i'm lost and can't find that light. where i shall go to rest till my time comes. where is that light? everything seems so un real in reality. i see things i never saw or didn't want to see. hurt is how i feel.

Truth: The truth about truth

Since we were kids we were raised not to lie! We were told that lying will cause problems and lying has a short rope that will reveal in the end and thats totally true! but what about the truth.. Truth can harm and hurt more then lying in my opeinion. Truth can cause more damage then a lie. the truth about truth that truth is not always the right decesion we choose.