Apparently the learning process never stops in this school! as life keeps on throwing leassons for you over and over again, if you fail in one, there is always a mock up one waiting for you until you get the leasson! i think that i had been getting alot of F's in this school yet recently it seems that i am getting straight A's! all that started happening once i gave it 100% of focus and had ripped my heart outta of my mind! once you saperate both, learning becomes easy and the leassons keeps on fading away as you avoid such failures in this school! We must kill out empathatic sense as simply the big leasson life is trying to teach us that its never fair! therefore you get two choices; either to keep on feeling sorry for your self and stay where you are burried with your failure or its simply not accepting the situation and moving on to another situation! been strong is not an option anymore, we all need to be strong for all that happenes around us. if you fall, cry while you get up, yet dont cry and stay where you are feeling sorry. Imagine living in the negativity of tears! i've decided to keep my tears positive at all times and for that i am now an honored student in "my" the school of life!!
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
The land of dreams
There is always something missing somewhere! There is always that sad, pessimistic moment at the peak of happiness! am i scared to be happy? am i refusing to be happy? am i a person that believes in realism or liberalism? do i want to be free or realistic? it has reached to a level where i fear happiness because it crushes me bad when it reverts to be a cold solid slap in the face to wake me up from my dreams land.
Do i dare to live there again?
my head is twisted with so many doubts. even in the moment of happiness i find my self left out wondering will it last? it got me worried all time thinking will it last to the extend that i cant be happy without worrying. i am left dreaming within reality. convincing my self that this all a big dream and i will wake up one day either by my clock alarm or by a slap or by a hidden force that will wake me up from my fantasy. these dreams that i persuade has only destroyed who i am, has only made me a person that i don't recognise. the instability in my feelings has created a flat line that feelings refused to fluctuate between sadness and happiness. this flat line has kept away from being happy or sad. no emotions at all its like i am actually in the land of dreams... where the sky is red and the sea is pink... you see if pink and red but you simply cant believe its true....
Do i dare to live there again?
my head is twisted with so many doubts. even in the moment of happiness i find my self left out wondering will it last? it got me worried all time thinking will it last to the extend that i cant be happy without worrying. i am left dreaming within reality. convincing my self that this all a big dream and i will wake up one day either by my clock alarm or by a slap or by a hidden force that will wake me up from my fantasy. these dreams that i persuade has only destroyed who i am, has only made me a person that i don't recognise. the instability in my feelings has created a flat line that feelings refused to fluctuate between sadness and happiness. this flat line has kept away from being happy or sad. no emotions at all its like i am actually in the land of dreams... where the sky is red and the sea is pink... you see if pink and red but you simply cant believe its true....
Monday, June 11, 2012
when you know you just know...
sadly there are things you try to ignore and just simply avoid to know, yet that erg and that need to know makes you dig to know... and when you come to know everything just change! thoughts, questions, negativity and positivity are fighting against each other on how to handle it! but they are both equal and yet negativity wins as we human cant find an explanation other then facts that has been placed across our sight. what to believe and what to think, simply change forever once you get to know.
this fight within always take a negative turn and eventually as i always has been i tend to know and just know without saying a word of what i know and its there within in a hidden place where it kills every peace of me where i end up been where i am now...
a simple song, a simple sentence, a simple kiss... when you know it was special just between us.... but you fight hard that feeling that maybe its not just us. and when you come to know that even a simple word like (lucky) is shared... and you just know ...
you know that the feeling you had when you heard lucky is not reality.
you know that the words when you heard lucky is not true
you know that things that came within after lucky is not just between you and me...
the things you know today are not the things you knew yesterday...
when you know before knowing that things will change you simple don't want to know...
but eventually you have to know
knowing takes a lot of strength ...
but is it true that after 10 years i would really know...
so it was told to me once by a psychiatrist...
sadly i know... and i know it all...
this fight within always take a negative turn and eventually as i always has been i tend to know and just know without saying a word of what i know and its there within in a hidden place where it kills every peace of me where i end up been where i am now...
a simple song, a simple sentence, a simple kiss... when you know it was special just between us.... but you fight hard that feeling that maybe its not just us. and when you come to know that even a simple word like (lucky) is shared... and you just know ...
you know that the feeling you had when you heard lucky is not reality.
you know that the words when you heard lucky is not true
you know that things that came within after lucky is not just between you and me...
the things you know today are not the things you knew yesterday...
when you know before knowing that things will change you simple don't want to know...
but eventually you have to know
knowing takes a lot of strength ...
but is it true that after 10 years i would really know...
so it was told to me once by a psychiatrist...
sadly i know... and i know it all...
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
i need a virtual friend
yes its one of those days! in the rush of things i just freeze and everything just stops moving slowly!
where is my focus? where is my determination?
a chunk of people around me but non can act as that one and only who can understand or just know what i go through... so many thoughts are buried inside because there isn't that person. My Person...
why do i feel lonely while i am surrounded with the world.. why does it feel that i am walking alone in a long path that has nothing but dead trees and the voice of the wind lifting up some dead leaves.. its so cold that even looking at it makes me feel lonely without been actually one.
how did i reach here today? why did i reach here today? it was always that virtual friend that was my person... in the rush of this world surrounding me i lost the sense of you been near me... i lost my virtual person who always supported me in such times and understood me from one look at the mirror...
i need you my virtual friend
where is my focus? where is my determination?
a chunk of people around me but non can act as that one and only who can understand or just know what i go through... so many thoughts are buried inside because there isn't that person. My Person...
why do i feel lonely while i am surrounded with the world.. why does it feel that i am walking alone in a long path that has nothing but dead trees and the voice of the wind lifting up some dead leaves.. its so cold that even looking at it makes me feel lonely without been actually one.
how did i reach here today? why did i reach here today? it was always that virtual friend that was my person... in the rush of this world surrounding me i lost the sense of you been near me... i lost my virtual person who always supported me in such times and understood me from one look at the mirror...
i need you my virtual friend
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
in the struggle to fight this feeling
during harsh times we hope, we pray that things change to be better.... we simply just dream and wish hard it does but if we don't believe if we don't focus then things just get crazy and shattered...
lately Ive been out of my game! not focused at all! thinking and concentrting about things that i know for a fact are not important!
what do i need now? i really need to be the person i know! the person who dont care about any of this superfacial things and just focus on my own happiness and just focus on how to reach my goals!
those goals which arent clear lately! but i know i will get there! i decided to and i will!
step 1: get rid of that ghost of failure in your head
step2: through those people who demotivates you in the trash
step 3: focus
step 4: focus
step 5: focus again and again
it really have to end here and now and i just need to prepare a plan and organize things right! i am no quitter! i am not a person that fails!
i fall to get up stronger! i reach the bottom to look up and seek the light of success!
the light to reach high and higher where i was last time! i see things around me that makes me upset i feel things that i know i can get rid of! i just have to believe as i believed before as i did before
i will not let this makes me go down! this will be my chance to shine and this is going to be my year! i refuse been defeated, i refuse this feeling of been taken for granted!
i will fight you and i will WIN!!
lately Ive been out of my game! not focused at all! thinking and concentrting about things that i know for a fact are not important!
what do i need now? i really need to be the person i know! the person who dont care about any of this superfacial things and just focus on my own happiness and just focus on how to reach my goals!
those goals which arent clear lately! but i know i will get there! i decided to and i will!
step 1: get rid of that ghost of failure in your head
step2: through those people who demotivates you in the trash
step 3: focus
step 4: focus
step 5: focus again and again
it really have to end here and now and i just need to prepare a plan and organize things right! i am no quitter! i am not a person that fails!
i fall to get up stronger! i reach the bottom to look up and seek the light of success!
the light to reach high and higher where i was last time! i see things around me that makes me upset i feel things that i know i can get rid of! i just have to believe as i believed before as i did before
i will not let this makes me go down! this will be my chance to shine and this is going to be my year! i refuse been defeated, i refuse this feeling of been taken for granted!
i will fight you and i will WIN!!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
why am i not in shock anymore!
things happen in life everyday, sometimes we fail and sometimes we win and feel happy about a moment that we know it wont last forever! they say life is boring without the sad days! but what if your days are always sad but you tend to ignore the fact that you are living those days and you practice so hard to be happy till you really become happy or in my case without emotions!
i see things, i know things, i feel things, but why am i not surprise anymore that these things are actually happening! why cant i still find that sky...
the sky with unlimitation... i really miss been in that sky that comferts my soul....
lol i dont like to be sad... but sometimes you do need this corener where you let it all out!
it sound vague and un real, perhaps even dramatic but it is never time to give up with me :)
i just cant believe how calm and mature my mind has become! even in the most negative thoughts my head holds i still find the sweeteness and i try hard to attract the good side about eveything around me... i just cant believe how strong i became,,
which had lead me not to be in shock anymore or be driven by something called emotions!
i guess i am simple dead from inside :)
cheers blog
i see things, i know things, i feel things, but why am i not surprise anymore that these things are actually happening! why cant i still find that sky...
the sky with unlimitation... i really miss been in that sky that comferts my soul....
lol i dont like to be sad... but sometimes you do need this corener where you let it all out!
it sound vague and un real, perhaps even dramatic but it is never time to give up with me :)
i just cant believe how calm and mature my mind has become! even in the most negative thoughts my head holds i still find the sweeteness and i try hard to attract the good side about eveything around me... i just cant believe how strong i became,,
which had lead me not to be in shock anymore or be driven by something called emotions!
i guess i am simple dead from inside :)
cheers blog
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Andrea Bocelli
His voice is soothing to my ears and make my head nervs just calm- its just like magic how he made me relax after a frustraited day at work...
and so he's coming to Oman in the Opera Royal house by November 1st and i anxiously search for his tickets but not sure where to get them till now!
simply amazing!
and so he's coming to Oman in the Opera Royal house by November 1st and i anxiously search for his tickets but not sure where to get them till now!
simply amazing!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
song of the day!
Click on the link above ;) and listen to my song of the day!
i love September thus for the past two years, September was not so good to me!
oh well i am enjoying my Wednesday with Pheonix :))
Sunday, September 11, 2011
look of the day - wide turn ups
look of the day - wide turn up trousers (black) with black and white origm top and beige jacket
against vogue! MY top 4 dresses
counting down from number 4 all the way to My number 1 favorite
Who:
Sarah Jessica Parker
What:
Prabal Gurung dress, Giuseppe Zanotti shoes, Fred Leighton jewelry
a revolution of life :)
well well well - long time and i haven't write anything around here ! the past year was so deprest and horrible for me! well not completely but i was going through lauds of things that made me not so comfortable about my life! funny enough i never believed or thought that it would turn into something good! as eventually it made me very strong and so rational about things! so many things have changed shocking me to be a better person!
i shocked my self so many times during 2011 - whereby for the past few months i am calm and i don't react and i am just so rational about things and i treat everything with love!
love is the key of everything! the law of attraction between you as a person and another human being or even an object, a subject, a place... it makes everything easier and your thoughts will work as a magnate around you....
if you think bad or awful or stressed you would easily attract everything negative around you but it works the complete same if you think positive where you will easily attract everything positive in your life! of course i am not perfect everyday lol
today i am attracting the feeling of laziness, since the time i woke up and it made me just finish all my urgent work and not be proactive as i have the thought of laziness in my head! it is a revolution in my life - and i know this is not what i want for the time! work wise,, but i am waiting for the right moment to find something better... gosh i miss writing here :))
i shocked my self so many times during 2011 - whereby for the past few months i am calm and i don't react and i am just so rational about things and i treat everything with love!
love is the key of everything! the law of attraction between you as a person and another human being or even an object, a subject, a place... it makes everything easier and your thoughts will work as a magnate around you....
if you think bad or awful or stressed you would easily attract everything negative around you but it works the complete same if you think positive where you will easily attract everything positive in your life! of course i am not perfect everyday lol
today i am attracting the feeling of laziness, since the time i woke up and it made me just finish all my urgent work and not be proactive as i have the thought of laziness in my head! it is a revolution in my life - and i know this is not what i want for the time! work wise,, but i am waiting for the right moment to find something better... gosh i miss writing here :))
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
It Happened - drops from heaven
Finally i tasted something i wanted - something i worked hard to get and when finally it was there next to you, right in front of you, just as closed as it could be, you feel it so near that it feels like its drops from heaven... this happiness this what happened made everything as bright as it can get, and made my soul re believe again that maybe i was wrong, maybe this is the thing i needed in my life despite all the alarm warnings i had in my heart and mind i finally believed that this is it... it was a week of un endless drops from heaven that makes your heart shines, you can feel the blood pumping every time its close making your soul and life warm... then ....
the truth within reviles, the secrets were out a week after that and it was dark again....
dark that not even open wide eyes wont see through, a glance of light is not there anymore, i used to see it before, i used to see my way out clearly yet it was that light that made me keep on walking until i found it and now its gonna again, and i cant find that light to walk into it again... it feels like i reached the bottom of it all, that glance of light is gone, those drops of heaven have turned into thistle of hell that goes deeper and deeper into my heart stabbing it Small and quietly that even the blood is invisible to my sight, but my hands can just touch it and feel it hemorrhaging everywhere and the thistle just stab deeper while my eyes are in silent because they see and know too much every little secret was out there breaking any last light that i was holding into.... and i said goodbye once and for all to those drops of heaven that i will never feel as i said goodbye for once and for the last time and again goodbye drops of heaven...
the truth within reviles, the secrets were out a week after that and it was dark again....
dark that not even open wide eyes wont see through, a glance of light is not there anymore, i used to see it before, i used to see my way out clearly yet it was that light that made me keep on walking until i found it and now its gonna again, and i cant find that light to walk into it again... it feels like i reached the bottom of it all, that glance of light is gone, those drops of heaven have turned into thistle of hell that goes deeper and deeper into my heart stabbing it Small and quietly that even the blood is invisible to my sight, but my hands can just touch it and feel it hemorrhaging everywhere and the thistle just stab deeper while my eyes are in silent because they see and know too much every little secret was out there breaking any last light that i was holding into.... and i said goodbye once and for all to those drops of heaven that i will never feel as i said goodbye for once and for the last time and again goodbye drops of heaven...
Monday, December 27, 2010
3 weeks and 6 days
days are passing so fast that i lost count during the days.... its less them a month now and i will change a part of my life, where i live, where i sleep, the place i call home will be away from me for sometimes or maybe forever....
i pray to Allah to bless me in this new state of life, i pray to God to make it a better path then before.. i pray and i pray and i hope and i believe that it will be great filled with beautiful new moments in life...
its just a matter of days and it will be the big day...
tick tuck....
i pray to Allah to bless me in this new state of life, i pray to God to make it a better path then before.. i pray and i pray and i hope and i believe that it will be great filled with beautiful new moments in life...
its just a matter of days and it will be the big day...
tick tuck....
Friday, December 10, 2010
a month and 16 days is left
to start a new thing in life - to beging - to commit - to love till iternity
is this what i really wanted - is this the path that i see my self in?
i am happy but scared, i am greatful but confused...
its only a month and 16 days away and days are passing fast ...
may allah bless us to beging it right, may allah bless me with stregth to carry on and still keep this heart with me ...
is this what i really wanted - is this the path that i see my self in?
i am happy but scared, i am greatful but confused...
its only a month and 16 days away and days are passing fast ...
may allah bless us to beging it right, may allah bless me with stregth to carry on and still keep this heart with me ...
Monday, December 06, 2010
i wanna do bad things with you - True blood
well recently vampire world is increasing in the silver screen, vampire diary, true blood etc and twighlight fever started this whole mess!
i was always a fan of vampires but now things are just mixed up! each version is different than the other! i kida like true blood (weird and wicked) vampire diary's story is nice to follow
oh well just throught to share my thoughts about vampires! hope they exist! :S
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
what happened to fashion :S
Vogue magazine make this weekly contest that i always don't miss! apparently this week's top 10 dresses are just YUK! i couldn't find one dress i like! probably the only one i liked is Blake Lively's black Chanel dress that she wore on CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund Awards, NYC (number 2) and Karlie Kloss's Stella McCartney (number 1) that's she also wore in the same occasion otherwise the dresses are hideous! well you can check the full dress list on the link attached.
Friday, October 29, 2010
lonely in a world full of people
i cry very night
i pray every prayer
i ask and tear oh dear god why
things are suppose to be good
but things are just too blue
it feels like a girl locked in a cage
cage of dreams
reality has lived the dream
but results were not foreseen
this pain is just too hard
why cant this girl be gone
nothing is left but a virtual world
giving me hope while its already blown
where is that light that i seek within
where is the sun that shines in me
people come and go
they laugh dance and blast all night
while she sit in her room tear pray and care
why is lonely that only feeling she has tonight
why is the night so long wihtout
why is happiness so hard to find
was happiness there when dreams died
what is a dream without bless and joy
what is a life without comfort and secure
it still feels lonely all through the world is round me
Mahar - 28 Oct 2010
i pray every prayer
i ask and tear oh dear god why
things are suppose to be good
but things are just too blue
it feels like a girl locked in a cage
cage of dreams
reality has lived the dream
but results were not foreseen
this pain is just too hard
why cant this girl be gone
nothing is left but a virtual world
giving me hope while its already blown
where is that light that i seek within
where is the sun that shines in me
people come and go
they laugh dance and blast all night
while she sit in her room tear pray and care
why is lonely that only feeling she has tonight
why is the night so long wihtout
why is happiness so hard to find
was happiness there when dreams died
what is a dream without bless and joy
what is a life without comfort and secure
it still feels lonely all through the world is round me
Mahar - 28 Oct 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Its a fight within
Weirdly, i am for the first time struggeling from inside, wanting so bad to do what i know am suppose to do and what i would normally do, but it always results for a quick good result and then back again to the same scenario! this time it has been 3 weeks and i am holding my self... shuold i react, should i make a step, should i commit my decision??
too many questions in my head! i know everything around me, i know whats going on and i know why am i like this and i know how can i get rid of it and move on! my only struggle is that it involvs family! i dont want to do the same thing that happened before again! it just going to be disapointing to my family but not me of course! i've already prepared my recovery plan!
wow, i spend my days preparing my recovery plan to anything around me which make me think why is the world always disapointing me! is it me? am i the problem? i dont think this way!
its that conflicting now, can i go back to numbing the way i feel? its just there are too much emotions that even numbing has no space anymore for my feelings!
everything is just too sesitive now! and i am losing the believe! the believe in me! that am a good better person who was born a fighter! strongly to say NO strong enough to make things black and white! strong enough to know when enough is enough!
everything feels meaningless, tasteless.. i cant feel food, work, family, friends nor anything!
is there anyone watching over me? it feels like this world has left me to go insane!
where is my guardian angel where are all my virtual friends? where is everyone?
how can i be back from this black hole that i ve sank in?
it feels like i am in a battle! a battle with my self
too many questions in my head! i know everything around me, i know whats going on and i know why am i like this and i know how can i get rid of it and move on! my only struggle is that it involvs family! i dont want to do the same thing that happened before again! it just going to be disapointing to my family but not me of course! i've already prepared my recovery plan!
wow, i spend my days preparing my recovery plan to anything around me which make me think why is the world always disapointing me! is it me? am i the problem? i dont think this way!
its that conflicting now, can i go back to numbing the way i feel? its just there are too much emotions that even numbing has no space anymore for my feelings!
everything is just too sesitive now! and i am losing the believe! the believe in me! that am a good better person who was born a fighter! strongly to say NO strong enough to make things black and white! strong enough to know when enough is enough!
everything feels meaningless, tasteless.. i cant feel food, work, family, friends nor anything!
is there anyone watching over me? it feels like this world has left me to go insane!
where is my guardian angel where are all my virtual friends? where is everyone?
how can i be back from this black hole that i ve sank in?
it feels like i am in a battle! a battle with my self
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Numbing some feelings
lately i know things, i see things i feel things, is it right that someone say they love you and hurt you in the same time to satisfy another person he has feelings for and other person is in pain becasue you and this persion are in love!
fuck!
now thats drama!
well am holding my self from been the useual me! which is basically raising my finger and saying bugger off!
can anything be more complicate now! i feel locked in a person i don know just for the fear of losing this other person! but does this person care for me at all for all this drama!
i am so tired of this dilemma that i am numbing the way i feel curently! well the problem is, since i numb my anger. my love and care is getting numb too which is basically leading to carelesness which obviously will lead to no feelings at all! but why put up with all of this?
It seems i will raise the finger and leave the fuck away from this series!
oh well tough!
fuck!
now thats drama!
well am holding my self from been the useual me! which is basically raising my finger and saying bugger off!
can anything be more complicate now! i feel locked in a person i don know just for the fear of losing this other person! but does this person care for me at all for all this drama!
i am so tired of this dilemma that i am numbing the way i feel curently! well the problem is, since i numb my anger. my love and care is getting numb too which is basically leading to carelesness which obviously will lead to no feelings at all! but why put up with all of this?
It seems i will raise the finger and leave the fuck away from this series!
oh well tough!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Eid - just another word ....
Sadly...
Eid the happy occasion we celebrate in the Muslim world has become a word without a feeling recently. Just another holiday in the yearly calender. This feeling is not something i only share in my heart- yet it comes from the accumulation of so many conversations i had with many different people. The joy of reuniting with the people you love and your family is just too weird now! people dress up and sit down to preform the following as always:-
1- Cooking the famous "Ursiya" which contains rice, and squashed meat or chicken! and eating it till you get a stomach ache :S
2- Slughttring a poor cow or goat and eating him for the coming two days in so many different ways!
3-Shiwa - the famous Omani meat berried in the ground!
Well its pretty obvious that Eid includes lots of eating which can be a very awful habit (sort of) and that eating has been the main focus on Eid along dressing up and spending a fortune on cloths! which basically is encouraging people to be super superficial! i wished if Eid was encouraging people to give out more or to try and get closer to their families by hearing their problems or bonding more with them instead of the common thought we all have currently which is bragging about looks and cloths!
In the world i live in i feel that superficiality and looks are mostly common here though i do love to look good and spend some money on clothing and salonning my self yet i never brag! i do it for ME and not for the people! i am not so perfect i do have my own sick jumps sometimes thanks to the society i live in and influence i get from!
Eid is not Eid any more! it became silly and meaningless with the people around me! things are just so shallow to be joyful now!
its just my opinion...
Eid the happy occasion we celebrate in the Muslim world has become a word without a feeling recently. Just another holiday in the yearly calender. This feeling is not something i only share in my heart- yet it comes from the accumulation of so many conversations i had with many different people. The joy of reuniting with the people you love and your family is just too weird now! people dress up and sit down to preform the following as always:-
1- Cooking the famous "Ursiya" which contains rice, and squashed meat or chicken! and eating it till you get a stomach ache :S
2- Slughttring a poor cow or goat and eating him for the coming two days in so many different ways!
3-Shiwa - the famous Omani meat berried in the ground!
Well its pretty obvious that Eid includes lots of eating which can be a very awful habit (sort of) and that eating has been the main focus on Eid along dressing up and spending a fortune on cloths! which basically is encouraging people to be super superficial! i wished if Eid was encouraging people to give out more or to try and get closer to their families by hearing their problems or bonding more with them instead of the common thought we all have currently which is bragging about looks and cloths!
In the world i live in i feel that superficiality and looks are mostly common here though i do love to look good and spend some money on clothing and salonning my self yet i never brag! i do it for ME and not for the people! i am not so perfect i do have my own sick jumps sometimes thanks to the society i live in and influence i get from!
Eid is not Eid any more! it became silly and meaningless with the people around me! things are just so shallow to be joyful now!
its just my opinion...
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