Till when?

Till when? whats next and when is it going to end... I've been dreaming of a happy fairy tale since i was at the age of 12, discovered that i live in the dream word, dreaming that i will have a happy ending that i will taste happiness in my tongue...
still am holding on to you and i hold a candle of hope, wishing, praying that someone will answer my prayers and you will come back from where you are. everything has an end, everything has a finish line, when is my end? what is my finish line? should i ask should i scream. i still puzzle that thought in my mind. do you love do you care do you desire like I? i cant answer that anymore and i cant see the light any more. that light that i used to see every time i see you... i hardly breathe i hardly feel i hardly sense... but am still holding on and fighting to find that light again but am barely holding on to it. where are you now, what is your role now? nothing but pain and agony in my heart suffering to light that candle i shared with you long ago... am falling apart and am barely breathing with my broken heart that still beating, beating with your name on it, beating with your love in it, am barely hold on to you. help me hold it tighter, help me make it live and help me not to fall...
i don't know if i will ever heal, i don't know if i will ever make it, and i don't know if you or i will be here this time this this date this month this hour this minute in a different year...
i leave it to time, i leave it to god... but until when?

10 years today - in the memory of a brother

18-08-1999/ Wednesday at 12 in the afternoon exactly a phone call rang that changed my life for good... a tradegy that happened to me and my dear family... on this day i lost a friend, a listener, a great person, on this day i lost my brother...
days and nights were difficult at first, breathing was hard knowing that my brother is not here, seeing the look at my mother's eyes every time someone mention his name... she bust in tears till today, 10 years today and the pain feels fresh whenever this date passes... things are really hard on this day, the shock of losing someone you love is something you can never get over with. Forgetting it may be easy, ignoring it gets bearable with days passes, but the day when you left was and still is a day that mom and dad got devastated from and till today.
i can still remember you teasing me and your smell, it was special... young at 23 just like my age now you left us and left me.
with time i forgot how you look, how you smell, how you talk and what was your voice like, with time the pain is less, the agony is much easier now but its still there.
this day (today) is heavy to bare. its really heavy to gt over with. a decade where i felt like a dream i didn't see you or held you and told you how much i missed you and started teasing you like you were teasing me.
i am grieving since years but your memory is still in our heart, though its 10 years today from the day you left.
i love you my dear brother
(AbdulWahab Al-Kindi - from 01-06-1976 to 18-08-1999)

3 days and 15 hourse and 11 minutes and 9 seconds

Since the th last text till this moment and untill this second... which leave me in a delema whre i cannot make a decision as my vision and my emptions are vagued with all those sensitive emptional feelings that all girls have... i need to be strong i need to be me...
am surprised that nothing till today as i was no one as i was just someone in the shadow for so long... its not ok to hurt people but in order to avoide hurting people that means i get hurt... hurtning me is ok but other people is guilt, its not who they are any more...
i just need to know and feel any light any type of sense somewhere. i need to built my life based on my own happiness. i have made a decision long ago and i await for you to make that decision too. but if its not what i seek, i would start driving anothe road.

oh well life is tough and it can be so beautiful as well, i think its beautiful and challenging! i guess am tired


Dijava is out ;)