Reality...........
a truth that i refused to see 5 years and i refused to see untill today, i woke up just knowing that today is the day i see reality...
i waked from my house door, my eye was twitching, my right eye... in Omani standards that means something bad, though i never believed in that but i felt its real inside me...
i saw what i was refusing to see, i finally made that decesion that i was waiting for so long... i know its right and i know it should have happened long ago. i crushed my dreams. i killed my heart. i broke my own heart, i took it out and stepped on it and through it away where no one will ever find it. the hard decision is been made and lonely and alone is what i choose to be.. because reality is not the dream i lived in. reality is here where am sitting today at this time, writing in this place feeling this horrible horrible agony that i kept been blind for so long and i believed a dream, a beautiful dream,, a lie, a beautiful lie...
broken inside, no place to go, open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why, you've been rejected and you cant find what you left behind, i need to be strong, too many problems and i dont know where i belong. am back where i was 4 years back... my feelings that i hide, my dreams that cant find, am loosing my mind, falling behind, falling my grace i feel all over the place shreded in peaces, no place to go, no place to go... i see rounds of people but i am not here, no around any more. physical and psycho pain in my heart that i try to hide behind a big smile, a big fake smile that everything is ok and things are normal. Be strong and keep your face thats the only idea rolling in my mind, yet i cant fake any more i need home, i need home, home is not safe any more, home is no where any more, home is lost for good......
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
dear blog
sometimes........
i run away and don't write it and just choose to forget whatever the matter is, however i adored the idea of holding on to a personal journal every day and start with dear diary and just let it lye there with whatever feeling i had on that day, yet the thought of having my best friend (my diaries) is not an option any more since it was exposed a year ago... i live where no one can understand what is a book and a pen to one human being and thats who i am, someone who treasure that journal like a best friend, which leaves me my dear blog yet i am sorry dear blog no one can take my best friend away from my heart because he had kept me high when ever i needed him and he was always there for me whenever i needed him and at anytime. i miss my dear diary and i wish that one day we will re joint again and am sure that day will be soon... as for the time been i will have a you dear blog and talk to you like in this night...
I just realised that i am a 24 year old girl who is still exploring many things about life and up until this night everything i do and the way i think was not who i am for quite a while, and for that i feel this epic feeling where i need to be here more and talk to you my dear diary more then anyone because anyone dont exist and never have existed... me who i thought i am and was is not me, its someone i feel i was pretending to be. i trust i talk i do i dont think, thats not me and thats not who i should be or shall be.
i am having an out of body experience where i feel things in my life are like flashes of things i kept on doing over for years and now i am left with no one not because i was forced too, NO, its because i choose to be and for the first time i feel i've made the right decision because i believe strongly that there would be a day where someone would read and feel these words dear blog and finally someone can see through me, i believe that strongly and i am sure of it.
another day is passing and still i am here the same person 4 years ago, i cant remember who i was before or maybe i choose to deny who i was before i just wish that i can have dont things differently or at least realised this feeling i have now before now.
i see things differently now, i feel i have the need to change who i am and start to be more cautious and more careful then the wild life i had before. not because of someone or something its the way i started to see things in life.
i miss you dear diary and i miss the feeling where i hold you and i just bust in tears talking to you and you just listen and always was there for me no matter what.
i miss you dear diary and i hope you are fine no matter where you are and i hope i will find you soon...
i am scared alone without you and reality is tough now that i am finally witnessing it without you...
come back soon
i run away and don't write it and just choose to forget whatever the matter is, however i adored the idea of holding on to a personal journal every day and start with dear diary and just let it lye there with whatever feeling i had on that day, yet the thought of having my best friend (my diaries) is not an option any more since it was exposed a year ago... i live where no one can understand what is a book and a pen to one human being and thats who i am, someone who treasure that journal like a best friend, which leaves me my dear blog yet i am sorry dear blog no one can take my best friend away from my heart because he had kept me high when ever i needed him and he was always there for me whenever i needed him and at anytime. i miss my dear diary and i wish that one day we will re joint again and am sure that day will be soon... as for the time been i will have a you dear blog and talk to you like in this night...
I just realised that i am a 24 year old girl who is still exploring many things about life and up until this night everything i do and the way i think was not who i am for quite a while, and for that i feel this epic feeling where i need to be here more and talk to you my dear diary more then anyone because anyone dont exist and never have existed... me who i thought i am and was is not me, its someone i feel i was pretending to be. i trust i talk i do i dont think, thats not me and thats not who i should be or shall be.
i am having an out of body experience where i feel things in my life are like flashes of things i kept on doing over for years and now i am left with no one not because i was forced too, NO, its because i choose to be and for the first time i feel i've made the right decision because i believe strongly that there would be a day where someone would read and feel these words dear blog and finally someone can see through me, i believe that strongly and i am sure of it.
another day is passing and still i am here the same person 4 years ago, i cant remember who i was before or maybe i choose to deny who i was before i just wish that i can have dont things differently or at least realised this feeling i have now before now.
i see things differently now, i feel i have the need to change who i am and start to be more cautious and more careful then the wild life i had before. not because of someone or something its the way i started to see things in life.
i miss you dear diary and i miss the feeling where i hold you and i just bust in tears talking to you and you just listen and always was there for me no matter what.
i miss you dear diary and i hope you are fine no matter where you are and i hope i will find you soon...
i am scared alone without you and reality is tough now that i am finally witnessing it without you...
come back soon
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Till when?
Till when? whats next and when is it going to end... I've been dreaming of a happy fairy tale since i was at the age of 12, discovered that i live in the dream word, dreaming that i will have a happy ending that i will taste happiness in my tongue...
still am holding on to you and i hold a candle of hope, wishing, praying that someone will answer my prayers and you will come back from where you are. everything has an end, everything has a finish line, when is my end? what is my finish line? should i ask should i scream. i still puzzle that thought in my mind. do you love do you care do you desire like I? i cant answer that anymore and i cant see the light any more. that light that i used to see every time i see you... i hardly breathe i hardly feel i hardly sense... but am still holding on and fighting to find that light again but am barely holding on to it. where are you now, what is your role now? nothing but pain and agony in my heart suffering to light that candle i shared with you long ago... am falling apart and am barely breathing with my broken heart that still beating, beating with your name on it, beating with your love in it, am barely hold on to you. help me hold it tighter, help me make it live and help me not to fall...
i don't know if i will ever heal, i don't know if i will ever make it, and i don't know if you or i will be here this time this this date this month this hour this minute in a different year...
i leave it to time, i leave it to god... but until when?
still am holding on to you and i hold a candle of hope, wishing, praying that someone will answer my prayers and you will come back from where you are. everything has an end, everything has a finish line, when is my end? what is my finish line? should i ask should i scream. i still puzzle that thought in my mind. do you love do you care do you desire like I? i cant answer that anymore and i cant see the light any more. that light that i used to see every time i see you... i hardly breathe i hardly feel i hardly sense... but am still holding on and fighting to find that light again but am barely holding on to it. where are you now, what is your role now? nothing but pain and agony in my heart suffering to light that candle i shared with you long ago... am falling apart and am barely breathing with my broken heart that still beating, beating with your name on it, beating with your love in it, am barely hold on to you. help me hold it tighter, help me make it live and help me not to fall...
i don't know if i will ever heal, i don't know if i will ever make it, and i don't know if you or i will be here this time this this date this month this hour this minute in a different year...
i leave it to time, i leave it to god... but until when?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
10 years today - in the memory of a brother
18-08-1999/ Wednesday at 12 in the afternoon exactly a phone call rang that changed my life for good... a tradegy that happened to me and my dear family... on this day i lost a friend, a listener, a great person, on this day i lost my brother...
days and nights were difficult at first, breathing was hard knowing that my brother is not here, seeing the look at my mother's eyes every time someone mention his name... she bust in tears till today, 10 years today and the pain feels fresh whenever this date passes... things are really hard on this day, the shock of losing someone you love is something you can never get over with. Forgetting it may be easy, ignoring it gets bearable with days passes, but the day when you left was and still is a day that mom and dad got devastated from and till today.
i can still remember you teasing me and your smell, it was special... young at 23 just like my age now you left us and left me.
with time i forgot how you look, how you smell, how you talk and what was your voice like, with time the pain is less, the agony is much easier now but its still there.
this day (today) is heavy to bare. its really heavy to gt over with. a decade where i felt like a dream i didn't see you or held you and told you how much i missed you and started teasing you like you were teasing me.
i am grieving since years but your memory is still in our heart, though its 10 years today from the day you left.
i love you my dear brother
(AbdulWahab Al-Kindi - from 01-06-1976 to 18-08-1999)
days and nights were difficult at first, breathing was hard knowing that my brother is not here, seeing the look at my mother's eyes every time someone mention his name... she bust in tears till today, 10 years today and the pain feels fresh whenever this date passes... things are really hard on this day, the shock of losing someone you love is something you can never get over with. Forgetting it may be easy, ignoring it gets bearable with days passes, but the day when you left was and still is a day that mom and dad got devastated from and till today.
i can still remember you teasing me and your smell, it was special... young at 23 just like my age now you left us and left me.
with time i forgot how you look, how you smell, how you talk and what was your voice like, with time the pain is less, the agony is much easier now but its still there.
this day (today) is heavy to bare. its really heavy to gt over with. a decade where i felt like a dream i didn't see you or held you and told you how much i missed you and started teasing you like you were teasing me.
i am grieving since years but your memory is still in our heart, though its 10 years today from the day you left.
i love you my dear brother
(AbdulWahab Al-Kindi - from 01-06-1976 to 18-08-1999)
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
3 days and 15 hourse and 11 minutes and 9 seconds
Since the th last text till this moment and untill this second... which leave me in a delema whre i cannot make a decision as my vision and my emptions are vagued with all those sensitive emptional feelings that all girls have... i need to be strong i need to be me...
am surprised that nothing till today as i was no one as i was just someone in the shadow for so long... its not ok to hurt people but in order to avoide hurting people that means i get hurt... hurtning me is ok but other people is guilt, its not who they are any more...
i just need to know and feel any light any type of sense somewhere. i need to built my life based on my own happiness. i have made a decision long ago and i await for you to make that decision too. but if its not what i seek, i would start driving anothe road.
oh well life is tough and it can be so beautiful as well, i think its beautiful and challenging! i guess am tired
Dijava is out ;)
am surprised that nothing till today as i was no one as i was just someone in the shadow for so long... its not ok to hurt people but in order to avoide hurting people that means i get hurt... hurtning me is ok but other people is guilt, its not who they are any more...
i just need to know and feel any light any type of sense somewhere. i need to built my life based on my own happiness. i have made a decision long ago and i await for you to make that decision too. but if its not what i seek, i would start driving anothe road.
oh well life is tough and it can be so beautiful as well, i think its beautiful and challenging! i guess am tired
Dijava is out ;)
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Wind of change
Had a regular normal day, he's not here! he's in Marrakach enjoying his days with his freinds and i went to Saif next door to my office "super market" and shopped out all the chocolates in the world and saw this great top 50 Rock hits cd! and damn it made my day different with scorpio's song wind of change
i can never get enough from this hit it makes life has a meaning...
come back fast, Marrakach no good for you :)
i can never get enough from this hit it makes life has a meaning...
come back fast, Marrakach no good for you :)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Two Roses
Roses were always the sample people use to express beauty, love and innocence, I never loved roses in fact I hated roses I felt it’s useless. It dies in just two days without water and they give this hideous smell when it gets dry... However today the whole perception changed when I saw him standing with two roses on his hands... looking at me like it was only me in this world... at that moment I felt its me, him and the two roses ... the whole world just froze for a moment and the only thing came up was to jump holding him near holding him believing or actually choosing to believe that it was only me in this world that got this precious gift, that I was the only girl in the universe who was blessed on the "love" day ... everything didn’t make any sense at that moment... and it was a dream for at least an hour but then back again where I belonged... just another girl in the list :)
sometimes we don’t know what other people have for us and sometimes we wish to make them think the way we want them to think, and most probably because they don’t think the way we want them to think, that’s why we dream... that’s why we try ... that’s why we believe..
I choose to believe that am living a dream, I choose to believe that am the most loveable happy girl in the universe all though am the complete opposite... someone else in my condition would say why me? What did I do to get all this? But I believe in something greater... I believe that my day will come... I choose to see what I want and I choose to ignore what upsets me... I simple ignore life whenever I want too...
I knew a young lady who came in my dreams once and said "lets live the moment" and I knew at once that it was me...
I will not judge, I will not upset, I will not anger, I will not jealous and I will not cry...
Lights will always guide me home, I will always find a way to come back but I will be free... I will find my way and I will not fall...
I believe that I have strength and I choose to believe that I can do what anyone can do, but I do believe that I cannot remote anyone and I cannot control a human soul... we all have the rights to choose our paths and I choose mine, therefore you will choose yours and I will not guide you because you need to find your way back to my heart... lights will guide you home and I will still be here and try to fix you...
sometimes we don’t know what other people have for us and sometimes we wish to make them think the way we want them to think, and most probably because they don’t think the way we want them to think, that’s why we dream... that’s why we try ... that’s why we believe..
I choose to believe that am living a dream, I choose to believe that am the most loveable happy girl in the universe all though am the complete opposite... someone else in my condition would say why me? What did I do to get all this? But I believe in something greater... I believe that my day will come... I choose to see what I want and I choose to ignore what upsets me... I simple ignore life whenever I want too...
I knew a young lady who came in my dreams once and said "lets live the moment" and I knew at once that it was me...
I will not judge, I will not upset, I will not anger, I will not jealous and I will not cry...
Lights will always guide me home, I will always find a way to come back but I will be free... I will find my way and I will not fall...
I believe that I have strength and I choose to believe that I can do what anyone can do, but I do believe that I cannot remote anyone and I cannot control a human soul... we all have the rights to choose our paths and I choose mine, therefore you will choose yours and I will not guide you because you need to find your way back to my heart... lights will guide you home and I will still be here and try to fix you...
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A letter to Michael Fitzpatrick
It feels just like yesterday when i met Michael Fitzpatrick, funny that a year have passed so fast and i am forced to say goodbye to a great character that affected my life positively and i am really sorry that i am forced under a harsh unfair reasons to be apart from a person who i have no other then respect and ultimate gratitude for all the lessons and experiences he had taught me and enriched my career with...
Michael was a role model, he was my role model. someone i would want to be like when i gain his experience one day, a character that made me change many prospectives about my life. A life time experience that i will never forget. I must say that this is all sound like a bad dream now knowing that he wont be here though I've spend a whole year spending half my day (10 Hrs minimum) working with him in the same office, observing how he deals with people, how he handle presser, how he talks and recording every single move to be a better person. A person that everyone respect and feel comfortable around. "Sounds like a stalker" lol but i am in shock i am in denial! how could this great experience end in one year, i at least expected to grieve and cry within at least 3 years from now or 5 where i say goodbye and have grown more. However at this time its still early, i didn't get enough learning from Michael i didn't get enough to be like him. He's just so perfect to be gone now. I respect you Michael Fitzpatrick and people may think that this worshiping may be too much but am a person who appreciate and i appreciate you been here in my life lifting up and building my career with me. I would never reach where i am today without you i would not learn and acknowledge what i know today without your help and continues support. It is a shame that the way you're gone happened in a cruel way and that people like me in my same nationality would have the low thinking they have today and at this time. all what i can say is that i am deeply sorry and i know that you will shine more and you will concur those people as you are more then who you are today...
i will truly miss you around the office, and i cant imagine going early in the morning not finding you in your desk giving me that morning smile and asking me about my day and making a funny comment about my fishes, i seriously cant imagine working there without you been part of my team... but as i promised you i will get over it and be strong and shine to beat the people who sabotage our image in the world...
You will shine and i will follow my dreams and be someone close to who you are...
I give you my word...
P.S:- i used Pink because you always make your comment about this color which is my favorite :-)
God Bless
your respectfully
K
Michael was a role model, he was my role model. someone i would want to be like when i gain his experience one day, a character that made me change many prospectives about my life. A life time experience that i will never forget. I must say that this is all sound like a bad dream now knowing that he wont be here though I've spend a whole year spending half my day (10 Hrs minimum) working with him in the same office, observing how he deals with people, how he handle presser, how he talks and recording every single move to be a better person. A person that everyone respect and feel comfortable around. "Sounds like a stalker" lol but i am in shock i am in denial! how could this great experience end in one year, i at least expected to grieve and cry within at least 3 years from now or 5 where i say goodbye and have grown more. However at this time its still early, i didn't get enough learning from Michael i didn't get enough to be like him. He's just so perfect to be gone now. I respect you Michael Fitzpatrick and people may think that this worshiping may be too much but am a person who appreciate and i appreciate you been here in my life lifting up and building my career with me. I would never reach where i am today without you i would not learn and acknowledge what i know today without your help and continues support. It is a shame that the way you're gone happened in a cruel way and that people like me in my same nationality would have the low thinking they have today and at this time. all what i can say is that i am deeply sorry and i know that you will shine more and you will concur those people as you are more then who you are today...
i will truly miss you around the office, and i cant imagine going early in the morning not finding you in your desk giving me that morning smile and asking me about my day and making a funny comment about my fishes, i seriously cant imagine working there without you been part of my team... but as i promised you i will get over it and be strong and shine to beat the people who sabotage our image in the world...
You will shine and i will follow my dreams and be someone close to who you are...
I give you my word...
P.S:- i used Pink because you always make your comment about this color which is my favorite :-)
God Bless
your respectfully
K
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)