Weirdly, i am for the first time struggeling from inside, wanting so bad to do what i know am suppose to do and what i would normally do, but it always results for a quick good result and then back again to the same scenario! this time it has been 3 weeks and i am holding my self... shuold i react, should i make a step, should i commit my decision??
too many questions in my head! i know everything around me, i know whats going on and i know why am i like this and i know how can i get rid of it and move on! my only struggle is that it involvs family! i dont want to do the same thing that happened before again! it just going to be disapointing to my family but not me of course! i've already prepared my recovery plan!
wow, i spend my days preparing my recovery plan to anything around me which make me think why is the world always disapointing me! is it me? am i the problem? i dont think this way!
its that conflicting now, can i go back to numbing the way i feel? its just there are too much emotions that even numbing has no space anymore for my feelings!
everything is just too sesitive now! and i am losing the believe! the believe in me! that am a good better person who was born a fighter! strongly to say NO strong enough to make things black and white! strong enough to know when enough is enough!
everything feels meaningless, tasteless.. i cant feel food, work, family, friends nor anything!
is there anyone watching over me? it feels like this world has left me to go insane!
where is my guardian angel where are all my virtual friends? where is everyone?
how can i be back from this black hole that i ve sank in?
it feels like i am in a battle! a battle with my self
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Numbing some feelings
lately i know things, i see things i feel things, is it right that someone say they love you and hurt you in the same time to satisfy another person he has feelings for and other person is in pain becasue you and this persion are in love!
fuck!
now thats drama!
well am holding my self from been the useual me! which is basically raising my finger and saying bugger off!
can anything be more complicate now! i feel locked in a person i don know just for the fear of losing this other person! but does this person care for me at all for all this drama!
i am so tired of this dilemma that i am numbing the way i feel curently! well the problem is, since i numb my anger. my love and care is getting numb too which is basically leading to carelesness which obviously will lead to no feelings at all! but why put up with all of this?
It seems i will raise the finger and leave the fuck away from this series!
oh well tough!
fuck!
now thats drama!
well am holding my self from been the useual me! which is basically raising my finger and saying bugger off!
can anything be more complicate now! i feel locked in a person i don know just for the fear of losing this other person! but does this person care for me at all for all this drama!
i am so tired of this dilemma that i am numbing the way i feel curently! well the problem is, since i numb my anger. my love and care is getting numb too which is basically leading to carelesness which obviously will lead to no feelings at all! but why put up with all of this?
It seems i will raise the finger and leave the fuck away from this series!
oh well tough!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Eid - just another word ....
Sadly...
Eid the happy occasion we celebrate in the Muslim world has become a word without a feeling recently. Just another holiday in the yearly calender. This feeling is not something i only share in my heart- yet it comes from the accumulation of so many conversations i had with many different people. The joy of reuniting with the people you love and your family is just too weird now! people dress up and sit down to preform the following as always:-
1- Cooking the famous "Ursiya" which contains rice, and squashed meat or chicken! and eating it till you get a stomach ache :S
2- Slughttring a poor cow or goat and eating him for the coming two days in so many different ways!
3-Shiwa - the famous Omani meat berried in the ground!
Well its pretty obvious that Eid includes lots of eating which can be a very awful habit (sort of) and that eating has been the main focus on Eid along dressing up and spending a fortune on cloths! which basically is encouraging people to be super superficial! i wished if Eid was encouraging people to give out more or to try and get closer to their families by hearing their problems or bonding more with them instead of the common thought we all have currently which is bragging about looks and cloths!
In the world i live in i feel that superficiality and looks are mostly common here though i do love to look good and spend some money on clothing and salonning my self yet i never brag! i do it for ME and not for the people! i am not so perfect i do have my own sick jumps sometimes thanks to the society i live in and influence i get from!
Eid is not Eid any more! it became silly and meaningless with the people around me! things are just so shallow to be joyful now!
its just my opinion...
Eid the happy occasion we celebrate in the Muslim world has become a word without a feeling recently. Just another holiday in the yearly calender. This feeling is not something i only share in my heart- yet it comes from the accumulation of so many conversations i had with many different people. The joy of reuniting with the people you love and your family is just too weird now! people dress up and sit down to preform the following as always:-
1- Cooking the famous "Ursiya" which contains rice, and squashed meat or chicken! and eating it till you get a stomach ache :S
2- Slughttring a poor cow or goat and eating him for the coming two days in so many different ways!
3-Shiwa - the famous Omani meat berried in the ground!
Well its pretty obvious that Eid includes lots of eating which can be a very awful habit (sort of) and that eating has been the main focus on Eid along dressing up and spending a fortune on cloths! which basically is encouraging people to be super superficial! i wished if Eid was encouraging people to give out more or to try and get closer to their families by hearing their problems or bonding more with them instead of the common thought we all have currently which is bragging about looks and cloths!
In the world i live in i feel that superficiality and looks are mostly common here though i do love to look good and spend some money on clothing and salonning my self yet i never brag! i do it for ME and not for the people! i am not so perfect i do have my own sick jumps sometimes thanks to the society i live in and influence i get from!
Eid is not Eid any more! it became silly and meaningless with the people around me! things are just so shallow to be joyful now!
its just my opinion...
Monday, September 06, 2010
Sunday, September 05, 2010
"My September"
Ive always had a great relationship with September, its my spring September where everything is colourful and great! it starts with the day i was born 3rd of Sep (yet dad still insist that its the 5th!) - every year its a great time to me, very special though nothing happens and i celebrate it alone with some really close friends. This year "My September" was different. For the first time in my life September fail me so bad but i think because it was trying to warm me about something since years.
it began with a surprisingly weird feeling, it was not joyful and not sad but it was dark and heavy to my heart. yet the thing i was waiting for happened! and i was crying because i thought my feelings this year were deceiving me and that though this dark feeling still September didn't fail me and it gave me the best present on my day...
still my birthday was a bit weird, didnt feel that i have reached 25 years in my life and i am where i am today while i know for a fact that i could have dont more but i ve missed 5 years waiting for this thing to happen while already did!
it is weird how scared i was from it but then i unleashed my happiness and felt it to the ultimate and was dreaming of "My great September" the dark feeling was fading away yet i can sense it... one day later the darkness pealed my happiness from my life and something i prepared my self for since 5 years was lost in a moment of leashed happiness.
today i pick my self pieces after a day from the darkness attack, i will not lose what i have built to my self and i will not lose who i was before as in the happiness camouflage i forgot the person inside me and got lost between superficiality.
i can easily say that "My September" was the worse September i have ever lived in 25 years :-)
it began with a surprisingly weird feeling, it was not joyful and not sad but it was dark and heavy to my heart. yet the thing i was waiting for happened! and i was crying because i thought my feelings this year were deceiving me and that though this dark feeling still September didn't fail me and it gave me the best present on my day...
still my birthday was a bit weird, didnt feel that i have reached 25 years in my life and i am where i am today while i know for a fact that i could have dont more but i ve missed 5 years waiting for this thing to happen while already did!
it is weird how scared i was from it but then i unleashed my happiness and felt it to the ultimate and was dreaming of "My great September" the dark feeling was fading away yet i can sense it... one day later the darkness pealed my happiness from my life and something i prepared my self for since 5 years was lost in a moment of leashed happiness.
today i pick my self pieces after a day from the darkness attack, i will not lose what i have built to my self and i will not lose who i was before as in the happiness camouflage i forgot the person inside me and got lost between superficiality.
i can easily say that "My September" was the worse September i have ever lived in 25 years :-)
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