2020!

2020, the year of wonders! It has been a roller coster and things had been up and down and with this pandemic blocking us at home it made me think of my blog! it has been forever since 2017!! 

this year was a funny year with roller coster of events. last of which had left me in wonder is this it? are we doing to end now and what should be next? it has been hard on all of us but how we portray these feelings are differing from one person to the other. sometimes the closest people to you are the ones that disappoints the most. 

I ve had been in the same situation few years back where I was left helpless not knowing how to act and for some that knows me will know that I am a planner and I don't like not knowing what to do in situations and specially a trauma. 

can cheating be a big word that I will be brave enough to use? or would I look the other side as I always do? have I grown enough that the other side is not an option anymore? should I seek help? 

so many questions that I can't answer write now because my head is so blurry and I don't take decisions based on the fact of a sleepless night and an aching heart. 

do I deserve this while being carrying a baby for 9 months? did I do something wrong? again I ant answer all these questions that keeps slumping my head. 

the shocking truth has different corners but the ones truth that ached my heart the most was the laying and cheating part. I don't care a bitcoin on trashy talks with trash whores but the part that a conversation has in depth feelings and longing for lust was just devastating and had got me wonder what's my role in this whole drama? 

2020, thank you I blame you for everything so far and I don't know how further will you surprise me. its just not pleasant and I am for once out of control since a very long time!! 

To the ones who think they can change the world

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

When someone stops loving you.

It’s been years that I felt this love demolishing into a black hole that sinks me in deeper and deeper. But that big epic love just falls slowly and cuts deeper cuts, the more it dies. Until one day it just stops and you know that this love that you have been holding on so close has stopped and it’s nothing but beautiful and bitter memories.  I read similar stories and live with similar situations where people just simply live with each other because of the fear of change, the fear of society and the fear to lose this so called life.  And they simple sunk into a life without feelings and it just leaves a big hole in this person.  You become a figure, an empty statue that carry his life on his shoulder like it’s a heavy weight.  How can you get out of this trap.  How can you face life and starts these feelings again.  There are small moments that sparks sometimes.  But they are thin memories and you get sunk into reality shortly.   I bet a lot of people go through the same.  Missing that sparkle where you can’t lye your hands from each other.  It’s just funny how you keep denying this painful truth when someone stops loving you. 

The art of emotions.

Funny how the heart always drains you, ur thoughts, your energy and everything around you.  Can I just rip my heart off my chest? Can I just live without emotions? I need to be steal again, I have to live body mind and soul only.  That's how you protect your self, that's how you always be alert and away from things and humans that can harm you.  Emotions and feelings are meaningless to us.  We keep on falling in the same bate over and over again.  You put ur heart into things and humans that suppose to mean something to you , humans you love and treasure. You evolve your life around them hold on to them sacrifice everything for the sake of them, because of emotions. And when the time comes you expect them to do the same.  But they simply don't because they have other feelings and other emotions that your suppose to respect and follow blindly even if it means harming you and hurting you.  It's just simply funny that I always do the same to my self, expect and then fail my expectation and stay hurt mumbling with my harmed feelings.  Without a soul to care.   

Screw you feelings, I am going vampire again 

Human Nature

Wow its been so long! iv missed you dear blog! it seems forever!

anyways! Human nature is whats on my mind these days! its so weird how can a person change at once into the complete opposite of what they have always pretended to be! today I've learned two important lessons about Humans, words are meaningless until they are in action! there is no such things as promises as these are very rare and can always be broken! second of all trust is something precious, never give it to just any person as simply through the speed of life and the speed of change these people might simply change believes and can simply work against what attracted you to them in the first place! Humans are inconsistent and they will never be, so only build a real relationship to the ones that you truly admire and treasure. And this trust should not just come over one night or over few conversations what we need to keep reminding our selves over and over again that trust is built by years and days of consistent actionable act that will build this deep relationship you are giving birth to whom ever it is. As MJ once said If they say WHY WHY just tell them that is Human Nature!

The school of life!

Apparently the learning process never stops in this school! as life keeps on throwing leassons for you over and over again, if you fail in one, there is always a mock up one waiting for you until you get the leasson! i think that i had been getting alot of F's in this school yet recently it seems that i am getting straight A's! all that started happening once i gave it 100% of focus and had ripped my heart outta of my mind! once you saperate both, learning becomes easy and the leassons keeps on fading away as you avoid such failures in this school! We must kill out empathatic sense as simply the big leasson life is trying to teach us that its never fair! therefore you get two choices; either to keep on feeling sorry for your self and stay where you are burried with your failure or its simply not accepting the situation and moving on to another situation! been strong is not an option anymore, we all need to be strong for all that happenes around us. if you fall, cry while you get up, yet dont cry and stay where you are feeling sorry. Imagine living in the negativity of tears! i've decided to keep my tears positive at all times and for that i am now an honored student in "my" the school of life!!

The land of dreams

There is always something missing somewhere! There is always that sad, pessimistic moment at the peak of happiness! am i scared to be happy? am i refusing to be happy? am i a person that believes in realism or liberalism? do i want to be free or realistic? it has reached to a level where i fear happiness because it crushes me bad when it reverts to be a cold solid slap in the face to wake me up from my dreams land.
Do i dare to live there again?
 my head is twisted with so many doubts. even in the moment of happiness i find my self left out wondering will it last? it got me worried all time thinking will it last to the extend that i cant be happy without worrying. i am left dreaming within reality. convincing my self that this all a big dream and i will wake up one day either by my clock alarm or by a slap or by a hidden force that will wake me up from my fantasy. these dreams that i persuade has only destroyed who i am, has only made me a person that i don't recognise. the instability in my feelings has created a flat line that feelings refused to fluctuate between sadness and happiness. this flat line has kept away from being happy or sad. no emotions at all its like i am actually in the land of dreams... where the sky is red and the sea is pink... you see if pink and red but you simply cant believe its true....